I don't want to be me! I want to be you!
by Child of the stars1
Summary: Let’s let Gandalf and all the others try another life. Do you think Gandalf will do a good job being Legolas? Mix in a Stone door with a tragic past, a forgetful Balrog and soldiers on strike. Result? A parody without match...
1. Default Chapter

Title: I don't want to be me! I want to be you! 

Summary: A couple of men aren't happy with themselves and would like tohave a go at being someone else.Let's let Gandalf and all the others try another life. Do you think Gandalf will do a good job being Legolas? Mix in a Stone door with a tragic past, a forgetful Balrog and soldiers on strike. The result is a Lord of The Rings Cake!

Disclaimer: I don´t own anything in this story. Well, except for a couple of the Ents, and the Stone door and… This is my first fanfiction

Hello, dear readers! I have decided to re-write chapter one, to see if I can fish some more readers. I beg you new readers, to; if you don't like chapter one, read the next chapter. The story gets better. I promise!

* * *

This story begins at the very secret meeting at Rivendell. 

Legolas stands tall infront of the council, with his eyes fasted at his arms

"He is no mere ranger. He is Aragorn, son of Arathorn, heir of Isildur, Estel, Elendil, heir to the throne of Gondor, the hope of men, Arwen's boyfriend, foster-son to Elrond, the wielder to the sword that is broken. You owe him your allegiance," Legolas says and raises his eyes from his arms.

"Gondor has no king, Gondor needs no king," Boromir says angrily and glares at the elf. Everyone sits still, holding their breaths. But then suddenly.

"Does anyone think this is stupid?" Legolas asks irritated. Everyone looks at him questioningly.

"I mean, Aragorn has stupidly many names. Just look at my arms!" Everyone looks at his arms, which are filled with names.

"And this isn't even every name he has..." he continues.

"Greasy-haired orc?" Boromir asks and raises an eyebrow.

"Yeah... Umm... I forgot the last one..." Legolas answers embarrassed. Suddenly Gandalf interrupts him.

"Oh get over it, you're just jealous!"

"Am not!" Legolas shouts, offended.

"Are too!"

"Am not!"

"Are too!"

"Am not!"

"Are too!"

"Are too!"

"Am not!" Gandalf shouts even louder. And with that, everything turns silent. "Oh bugger."

"Stop whining, snotty Elf! At least you look good in Speedos. I look like a sausage, Pippineven tried to eat me," Gimli hisses to Legolas and crosses his arms.

"Oh stop complaining! I don't understand you two! You don't have to be wise, boring, good and "unhot". You know, I would really want to do something really nasty," the wizard snaps.

"Like what?" Frodo asks curiously and leans forward expectantly.

"Like... Go and watch when Elrond and Glorfindel have their friendly reunion in the bathtub..." Gandalf answers dreamingly.

"Oh..." Frodo answers and leans backwards in the chair. "Ewww!"

Elrond turns into a very lovely shade of red.

"You know, when you have a problem, go to Gandalf. Go to him and whinebeacuse you're afraid of the Ring-wraiths..."

"Hey!" Frodo shouts.

"...because are trying to kill you. So **not** interesting," Gandalf says. "Not fair," he adds sourly.

"Well, at least someone listens to you," Pippin whispers softly.

"Did someone say something?" Aragorn asks, looks around and wrinkles his nose, like he smells something bad.

"I don't think so..." Boromir answers and shrugs.

"Hey, at least you all aren't stalked by a dumb git!" Merry blurts out.

Where did he come from?

"Merry, Pippin, Sam, and what are you doing at a very secret meeting?" Elrond asks them and gives them a glare.

"Just passing through... On my way to the kitchen," Merry answers and points in the way of the kitchen.

"Can I tag on?" Pippin asks happily and claps his hands.

"AAAAAH!" Pippin's cousin screams and puts his hands on his ears. All the others, who have been listening to the complaints, start to share their problems, as well.

"My tap leaks!"

"Red doesn't fit me!"

"I don't like my wife's cooking!"

"I'm sitting beside a filthy dwarf!"

"I'm sitting beside a snobby elf!"

"I'm sitting with all of you!"

Suddenly they are interrupted by a screaming voice.

"SHUT UP! YOU ARE ALL GIVING ME A HEADACHE!"

Everyone at the council looks at Elrond with shocked expressions.

"Well, I say Lord Elrond. That was most undignified," an elf says sourly.

"Most unacceptable!" a dwarf agrees.

"Shocking!" a human states.

"I couldn't agree more, dear friend," an elf agrees, "How could anyone act so, so... barbaric?"

Elrond breathes heavily and shakes his head. The rest of the council continues to look at him with shocked faces. Elrond glares at them, "I can't believe you all!" he raises his voice into a squeak, "Red doesn't fit me'-"

An embarrassed elf mumbles, "Well it doesn't."

"'The chairs are of a ugly colour'-", Elrond continues.

"I don't know if you notice, but the cream colourdoesn't match the flowers on the balcony," the human defends.

"'The chairs are too big'-"

"Who said that? The chairs are of perfect height!" an elf asks and looks around.

"You bloody elves are too long! No wonder you can't say anything sensible, the wind blows away all the brain activity!" a dwarf shouts.

"Oh, the wind does that? Well, well... you know that, that," the elf answers angrily and he looks down at the dwarf, "you, dwarves, smell of foot- sweat!" The elf looks satisfied around, getting approved nods from the rest of the elves.

But the dwarf smiles wickedly and answers, "Yes, of your foot-sweat."

"Why you little-"

"Enough! I have a marvellous idea! Since no one seems to be happy at being himself, let's do this: Put your name on a piece of paper."

Everyone does so.

"Put them in this hat."

Everyone does so.

"Now pull out a paper piece."

Everyone does so.

"Read the name on it."

Everyone does so.

"Now, if Frodo gets a paper where it says Gimli. He becomes Gimli. Understood?" he explains and nods.

"Fine," everyone answers and looks at their paper pieces.

"I'm not sure..." Pippin says softly, and no one listens.

Aragorn rubs his hands, "Let me see... G.O.L.L.U.M. GOLLUM!"

Gollum mysteriously climbs out of the hat. "Yesss, preciousss," Gollum hisses and sneaks over to Elrond and starts petting his foot

"Yess, very lonely being usss. No friendsss. No food," Gollum takes Elrond´s foot in his hand and studies it.

"Yesss, we would do anything for something slim, flesssschy..."

"Glump," Elrond swallows hard and puts both of his feet on his chair. Everyone else follow his lead. Gollum looks sadly at his, now, empty hand

"Oh, well. Let's see who I'll be... Aragorn," Legolas states surprised. Everything is silent.

Legolas throws his head back, "Muahahahahahaaaa!"

Now it is Aragorn's turn to swallow nervously, "Glump."

"This will be so much fun!"

* * *

This is how it's going to be in the future... 

Aragorn...Gollum

Boromir...Pippin

Pippin...Elrond

Merry...Gimli

Sam...Gandalf

Frodo...Boromir

Legolas...Aragorn

Gimli...Sam

Gandalf...Legolas

Gollum...Frodo

Elrond...Merry

Leave a review, I know you want to ;)


	2. The Fellowship leaves

Title:I don´t want to be me! I want to be you! 

Summary: A couple of men aren't happy with themselves and would like tohave a go at being someone else.Let's let Gandalf and all the others try another life. Do you think Gandalf will do a good job being Legolas? Mix in a Stone door with a tragic past, a forgetful Balrog and soldiers on strike. The result is a Lord of The Rings Cake!

Disclaimer: I don't own anything in this story. I don't own anything in this story. Well, except for a couple of the Ents, and the Stone door and… This is my first fanfiction.

And last but not least: a bunch of roses to XNemesis for beta reading this for me

* * *

Aragorn...Gollum 

Boromir...Pippin

Merry...Gimli

Pippin...Elrond

Sam...Gandalf

Frodo...Boromir

Legolas...Aragorn

Gimli...Sam

Gandalf...Legolas

Gollum...Frodo

Elrond...Merry

* * *

The next day the Fellowship is getting ready to start their trip to Mordor. 

"EEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWW!"

"What the heck are you screaming for?" Gimli asks Legolas.

"Oh, I've just told him that I haven't had a bath in five months…" Aragorn answers and smiles wickedly.

"Eru! No wonder you smell…" Sam says and stares surprised at Aragorn. A very pale Legolas puts his nose in his clothes and sniffs, after that he turns into a **very** healthy colour of green.

"Yeah, you're even worse than I am," Gimli agrees.

"When was your last bath?" the Hobbit wonders. Gimli lifts his eyebrows and starts very slowly count on his fingers.

" Four months and…" He counts on his fingers again." …Twenty-nine days."

Aragorn laughs loudly. " Hahaa… Looser!" Gimli is offended and sniffles proudly, looking for words.

"Well… You… I… I hate you!" With that Gimli stomps away. After a while he turns around and gives Aragorn the finger.

"Gee…What childish behaviour." Aragorn states and rolls his eyes. Everything is quiet. On a distance from Aragorn, Sam and Legolas, Gandalf wonders if he truly saw Aragorn making faces behind Gimlis retrieving back. Slowly Legolas recovers from the big shock.

"Alright… No bath… Five months…" the elf says and takes a few deep breaths.

"Did I mention that I haven't washed my clothes in eight months and seventeen days?" Aragorn says, like by the way.

Legolas faints.

" He was right! This will be so much fun!" Aragorn sates happily and jumps away laughing insanely.

* * *

In the house of Elrond, Frodo is explaining to Gollum what he has to do. 

"Tell me little tasty hobbitsie, what are we sssssupposed to do?" Gollum asks and licks his lips.

"You are going to take the ring…" Frodo explains.

"We likesss the sssound of that, don´t we precious?"

"… And you have to wear it on a chain…" he continues.

Gollum looks disappointed. "Not fingerssss, lovely hobbitsie that has tasssssty feet?" Frodo ignores the thing about his feet.

"No."

"Stupidsssss." Gollum mumbles.

"Anyway…" Frodo continues and clasps his hands. "Then you go to Mordor and destroy the ring in Mount Doom. Understood?"

Gollum looks sceptically at Frodo, "Let us ssssee. Take the ring-"

Frodo nods agreeingly.

"Go to Mordor-"

Frodo nods agreeingly.

"Walk to Mount Doom-"

Frodo nods agreeingly.

"And destroy my precious?"

Frodo nods agreeingly.

Gollum ponders for a while. "What if we putsss the precious on our fingersss and hidesss it… No one will find it because no one will sssee it. Ssssounds better?" Gollum suggests hopefully. Frodo actually thinks about the suggestion.

"We'll see…"

Gollum smiles a breathtaking smile. "Nice hobbit with tasssty feet."

Frodo turns pale. "Forget it." And walks away.

Gollum looks disappointedly at the retrieving back of Frodo. "Oh, bugger."

The Fellowship is ready to go on the very dangerous trip to Mordor, where someone could die or if the Fellowship fails the whole of Middle-Earth will be overtaken by Sauron

"I can't wait! I'm so excited! Aren't you excited?" Gandalf asks and jumps up and down. Everyone looks at him.

Gandalf stops jumping and looks sourly at the rest of the gang. "You're so boring." After a while he starts smiling again and aims at Pippin with Legolas bow.

"Bam! Haha! You're dead! Play dead!" Pippin, who stands where Elrond would usually stand, glares at Gandalf.

Gandalf sighs "You're no fun."

Pippin clears his throat and looks around, " Middle-Earth's fate is in your hands. If you fail, we can kiss soft toilet-paper and fluffy, pink slippers goodbye," Pippin declares seriously. Everyone looks horrified.

"I'm sorry, but someone had to say it," Pippin sniffles sadly. "Now go out there and save the world. Um... Good luck?"

The Fellowship, containing Gollum as Frodo, Gimli as Sam, Legolas as Aragorn, Sam as Gandalf, Frodo as Boromir, Gandalf as Legolas, Merry as Gimli, Boromir as Pippin and Elrond as Merry, walks away from Rivendell. Aragorn walks behind them as Gollum on his hands and feet.

Our very own brave Fellowship is ready to defend the world with their wisdom and weapons…

"Bam! Boromir I hit you, you're dead!"

Every man for himself! Middle-Earth, it was nice knowing you!


	3. Caradhras or Moria

Title:I don´t want to be me! I want to be you! 

Summary: A couple of men aren't happy with themselves and would like tohave a go at being someone else.Let's let Gandalf and all the others try another life. Do you think Gandalf will do a good job being Legolas? Mix in a Stone door with a tragic past, a forgetful Balrog and soldiers on strike. The result is a Lord of The Rings Cake!

Disclaimer: I don´t own anything in this story. Well, except for a couple of the Ents, and the Stone door and… This is my first fanfiction. .

And last but not least: a bunch of roses to XNemesis for beta reading this for me

* * *

Aragorn...Gollum 

Boromir...Pippin

Merry...Gimli

Pippin...Elrond

Sam...Gandalf

Frodo...Boromir

Legolas...Aragorn

Gimli...Sam

Gandalf...Legolas

Gollum...Frodo

Elrond...Merry

* * *

Gandalf aims at Gimli and lets the "arrow"go, "Bam! Ha-ha! You're dead!" The dwarf, who has been "shot" exactly thirty-six times during their walk from Rivendell, turns around to face Gandalf. 

"You can thank Eru that I haven't got my axe right now. Otherwise, that bow of yours would be in many pocket-sized pieces," he hisses. Gandalf looks at Gimli in horror and embraces the bow tightly.

"You cannot have it. It's mine. My own. My precious," he whispers and caresses the bow.

"Does anyone know where the nearest mental hospital is?" Elrond asks, pauses and looks around. "No one? Crap."

Boromir, looking as dignified as one can when on their knees, because they're supposed to be short, puts his hand on Sam's shoulder.

"So dearest hobbit-wizard, which way shall we take?" he wonders and squeezes the hobbit's shoulder.

"Umm… let me see…the Gap of Rohan?" Sam states uncertainly. Suddenly, Aragorn jumps in front of Sam and violentlyshakes the hobbit's shoulders.

"No, no! I beg of you! Not Rohan!" he shouts desperately, with eyes gleaming of insanity.

"And why not?" Boromir questions Aragorn and crosses suspiciously his arms.

"Because of Eowyn, candlelight suppers, roses, horses, and baths! Don't make me go there again! Pretty please…" Aragorn begs and looks around terrified. Sam, who was terrified by the time Aragorn said, "Not Rohan," tries to push himself from Aragorn's tight grip.

"Alright. Not Rohan. Caradhras? Moria?" he suggests.

Gimli looks up at the two men and hobbit, "MORIA! MORIA! MORIA!"

Legolas shouts, "CARADHRAS! CARADHRAS!" He and Gimli changes glares. When Aragorn hasn't let go of Sam, by the time Gimli jumps on Legolas and starts hitting him with a frying pan, the hobbit takes his staff and whacks him on the head.

"Wow! Look out with that staff of yours," Boromir ducks when the staff almost hits his head.

Sam, who has been released by Aragorn, looks at the large wooden staff.

"I'm sorry, but it's so long," he apologises.

"I can use my axe and shorten it for you!" Merry suggests excitedly

"I don't know if that's such a good idea…" Sam says uncertainly, but Merry has already taken the axe in his hands and swings it.

"Watch out, you moron! You almost decapitated me!" Sam shouts. " And you made me drop my pointy hat," he adds sadly.

Merry takes a better hold of his axe, "Try to hold it still. Or better hold it over your head."

Merry swings the axe and it gives Sam a very nice but extremely short haircut.

Sam touches what is left of his hair with shaky hands, "My hair! My beautiful long hair! Look what you did!"

Merry shrugs, "Let me try again."

"No! Keep that thing away from me!" Sam calls out and backs away.

Merry looks pleadingly at his hobbit friend, "Just one more time." The axe flies through the air nearly hitting Sam's leg.

"Crap! One more time!" Merry stomps with his foot and raises the axe.

"HELP! AAAAAAAAH!" Sam screams, lifts his hands over his head and starts to run away, with Merry behind him swinging the large axe. Legolas looks towards where Sam and Merry are running, massaging his aching head.

"Looks like we're heading for Caradhras!" grins Legolas.

Gimli scowls, "Oh, just shut up!" And with a last hit on Legolas with the frying pan, Gimli starts to follow the running hobbits. Aragorn wakes up and stares at the nine walking people. He looks down at his clothes.

"Man, it's going to be freezing."

"Uhum…" the author growls.

Aragorn adds unenthusiastically, "Oh, yeah. Gollum."

* * *

So? Was it dreadful? 


	4. Down from Caradhras

Title:I don´t want to be me! I want to be you! 

Summary: A couple of men aren't happy with themselves and would like tohave a go at being someone else.Let's let Gandalf and all the others try another life. Do you think Gandalf will do a good job being Legolas? Mix in a Stone door with a tragic past, a forgetful Balrog and soldiers on strike. The result is a Lord of The Rings Cake!

Disclaimer: I don't own anything in this story. Well, except for a couple of the Ents, and the Stone door and… This is my first fanfiction.

And last but not least: a bunch of roses to XNemesis for beta reading this for me

It seems that not everyone understands how this role-switching thing goes. I will try to explain this now. This role-switching thing is like a role-play. Legolas plays Gandalf and Aragorn plays Gollum. They have not, I repeat not switched bodies. They are just playing a game.

* * *

Aragorn...Gollum 

Boromir...Pippin

Merry...Gimli

Pippin...Elrond

Sam...Gandalf

Frodo...Boromir

Legolas...Aragorn

Gimli...Sam

Gandalf...Legolas

Gollum...Frodo

Elrond...Merry

* * *

"Look at me! I can walk on snow!" Gandalf shouts happily and tiptoes over the white layer on the ground. The rest of the Fellowship looks at Gandalfas he dances. 

Boromir scratches his head, "Uhum. Gandalf… The snow isn't even one inch thick…"

"Party spoiler…" Gandalf growls.

When the Fellowship is higher up on the mountain, Gollum surprisingly disappears.

Gimli looks around confused, "Has anyone seen Gollum?"

"Oh, you mean that froggy-like-thing, who is obsessed with the ring,which can destroy Middle-Earth... Andthe froggyismeant to play the ringbearer? The creature that is likely to run away from us as soon as he gets his chance to take the ring for his own? No I haven't. Were we supposed to watch him?" Boromir asks.

* * *

Meanwhile… 

"It's mine, my own, my precious…" Gollum hisses and plays with the One ring.

Suddenly Aragorn comes into view, "Stup-p-pid mo-o-unt-t-tain. So d-d-damn f-f-fre-e-ez-z-zing. Oh, h-h-hey t-t-there G-g-gollum. What a-are you d-d-doing-g he-ere?"

"Why do you ask?" Gollum asks suspiciously and pats the ring.

"W-w-well, you-u're the r-ringb-bearer. You s-s-shouldn't b-be a-a-alone. M-m-may-ybe I shoul-l-ldt-t-tak-ke you t-to the o-others…" Aragorn replies.

When Gollum hears what Aragorn says he throws himself forward and grabs hold of the little clothing Aragorn has, "No! We begss you, nice human. Pretty human. Tasty human. Nice sssmelling human"

Aragorn shakes Gollum's hands of him, "I-I-I th-think the c-c-cold h-has b-b-been a-a-affecting your m-mind. M-me? Nice sme-l-lling? C-come with m-me."

"NO! You wantsss the preciousss for yourselfs. Leave us alone. The precious doesn´t go with you´re haircolour! You needsss silver! Our precious goes with our hair." Aragorn looks sceptically on Gollum's ten hairs

The human shakes his head, "I-I d-d-don't w-want the s-s-stupid r-r-ring!"

Gollum glares at Aragorn, "Nassty human insultss the precious! Now he'ss going to pay!" He jumps on Aragorn.

* * *

The rest of the Fellowship arrives just in time to see Aragorn lying on top of Gollum stuffing snow inGollum's ears 

"Look at them! Aragorn is trying to take the ring from Gollum! Someone stop him!" Merry pleads.

"My pleasure," Legolas smiles evilly.

Gandalf jumps up and down putting his hand up, "I'll do it! I'll do it!" Legolas and Gandalf change glares and on the same time they start to sprint towards the rolling figures in the snow.

"I will win! I'm an elf! I can walk on snow!" Gandalf shouts happily.

Legolas lifts an eyebrow, "Oh yeah? Well, so can I."

Gandalf makes a sour face, "No you can't! You're a human!"

"Well watch me!"

Gandalf watches Legolas run on top of the snow, while he stands in the waist deep snow. With one move Legolas, takes his sword and puts itat Aragorn's throat.

"This is for not washing your clothes before giving them to me…" Legolas hisses in Aragorn's ear, but then Legolas is interrupted by an arrow, which hits his bag.

Gandalf laughs, "Haha! I hit you! You're dead!" Legolas opens his bag and looks if something has been damaged. And something is damaged.

Legolas widens his eyes, "You hit my mirror! Die bastard! Die!"

"FOOLS! DON'T YOU SEE! THIS IS WHAT SAURON WANTS! FOR US TO FIGHT AGAINST EACH OTHER! THIS MOUNTAIN IS CURSED! WE GO THROUGH THE MOUNTAIN! FULL STEAM AHEAD FOR MORIA!" Sam says in scary Gandalf voice.

The Fellowship stops and looks at Sam in his too big pointy hat and too big grey dress. Then they look at each other, and starts to walk down the mountain.

But the mountain isn't cursed. Sam has another reason. A much more terrifying reason… He looks back up on the mountain and thinks about the pub that is there. The pub, which doesn't serve ale. He shivers and follows the others.

When the Fellowship is near the Gates of Moria, a voice is heard on the air in Caradhras.

"Neia Cane Woissey! Ternae Mointye Salament!" ...… Helloo! Gandalf! It's you're turn! Gandalf! Gandalf! You're line! Don't tell me you have forgotten it! You're such a…"

* * *

Meanwhile near the Gates of Moria. 

Gandalf scratches his beard, "I have this strange feeling I have forgotten something…"

* * *

I made this up 

Reviews, thank you!


	5. The Gate of Moria 1

Title: I don´t want to be me! I want to be you!

Summary: Gandalf wants to be hot. Pippin wants to be noticed. Legolas hates Aragorn's many names. Gollum wants friends. Let's let Gandalf and all the others try another life. Do you think Gandalf will do a good job being Legolas?

Disclaimer: I don't own anything in this story. Well, except for a couple of the Ents, and the Stone door and… This is my first fanfiction.

Uhum… Sorry for a long wait. School, you know… Don't be too mad (hides behind the computer)

And last but not least: a bunch of roses to XNemesis for beta reading this for me (a extra big thanks to you).

* * *

Aragorn...Gollum

Boromir...Pippin

Merry...Gimli

Pippin...Elrond

Sam...Gandalf

Frodo...Boromir

Legolas...Aragorn

Gimli...Sam

Gandalf...Legolas

Gollum...Frodo

Elrond... Merry

* * *

Sam stands waving the staff at the Gate of Moria. His face is red of frustration, "Zimzalabim!…Alakazam!… Open open!… Bumbyduu!… Tunelutiumenaty…! Open you stupid excuse for a door!" He lifts his foot and kicks the door. "OWW!" Sam jumps on one leg holding his injured foot.

The Stone Door sniggers.

Everyone stops doing whatever they are doing and looks at the door with their jaws open.

The Stone Door sniggers again.

Sam glares at the gate and tries to suppress the words that are flowing into his mouth, "I HATE YOUUUUU!"

The Stone Door sniggers**very **loudly.

"Excuse me, dearest hobbit-wizard…" Elrond apologises and taps lightly on Sam's shoulder. The dearest hobbit-wizard turns around, facingElrond and looks at him with a gaze, which promises a terrible death to the one who dares to say something like: Ah, here is the doorknob.

In fear for his life, Elrond blurts out, "… I hate it to." Elrond sneaks away, on his way to do something less dangerous, like asking the lake monster why he has such large teeth and if he could have a better look at them.

Merry entertains himself by throwing stones in the lake. Suddenly, Aragorn jumps out of the bush and stops Merry's hand from tossing the stone.

"Do not disturb the water," he says and looks suspiciously around.

Boromir steps forward fingering his beard, "I'm a little curious here… Why are you always turning up? Shouldn't you be somewhere trying to get the ring from Gollum?"

Aragorn looks at him with a disgusted grimace, "The ring? I don't want that stupid…" Gollum glares dangerously at Aragorn.

"… that lovely precious thing." Gollum looks satisfied.

Boromir continues questioning Aragorn, "By the way… Shouldn't you be golluming, sneaking, lurking or fishing somewhere?" He pauses. "You're doing a lousy job being Gollum…" Aragorn pales, horrified of the thought of being bad at something. On the other hand, Legolas really, really happy at the thought of Aragorn being bad at something.

Gollum hisses and grabs Aragorn, making the human jump, "Yess, we agreeses. Loussssy Gollum."

"Sucker," Legolas smiles wickedly.

Aragorn straightens himself and looks for words, "Well… You're not doing that great of a job being me." Now it's Legolas time looks horrified.

"Maybe we should help them?" Gimli ponders.

Aragorn approaches Legolas and doesn't stop until he is only inches from the elf's face, "I'm happy to help Legolas." Legolas even MORE horrified.

"Shall we start?"

Legolas makes wide eyes and answers fast, "No." Aragorn smiles wickedly.

Aragorn reaches out and grabs Legolas' hair, "You're hair is too long. I have to cut it…" Aragorn takes out a BIG knife.

"It won't hurt...much." Aragorn swings the knife in the air a couple of times. "Take that, and that..." When he is done playing with the knife, Legolas is hiding behind Sam.

"Coward!" Aragorn yells. Legolas sticks his tongue out at Aragorn. Sam doesn't notice Legolas crouching behind him. Behind him a lone figure sneaks quietly. The sneaking figure lifts his axe and brings it down.

Sam bends down to pick up a stone.

Legolas, who is currently without protection, hears a swing and feels something fall down his back. Legolas looks down and notices that his hair is shoulder-length. With a sharp turn he looks directly at Merry, who iswhistling and holding an axe in his hands.

"You. Cut. My. Hair."

Merry stops whistling and looks at Legolas with a fake surprised face, "Who? Me? No, I was shortening Sam's staff. No, I mean I was taking the axe for a walk."

"Die bastard! Die!" Legolas throws himself at Merry.

(Note to the readers: A angry Legolasplusa dwarwen axe, equalsa very extinct Merry.)

Gollum sits on the ground eating a fish. Aragorn also sits on the ground facing Gollum. "You mussst lengthen your ssssss." Gollum says when he has swallowed the fish bones.

Aragorn nods and makes a note in his mind, "Lengthen your sssssss. Got it."

Gollum continues after swallowing a fish eye, "You have to ssssneak."

Aragorn nods again and makes another note in his mind, "Sneak, alright."

Gollum stops abruptly chewing and speaks with his mouth full of fish, "Sssneak."

Aragorn nods again, "Just like I said, sneak."

Gollum leans forward, "SSSSneak," covering Aragorn with raw fish.

"Oh, ssssneak?" Aragorn suggests and wipes away the sticky fish.

Gollum nods satisfied, "Yesss. And tassty human musst sssssay preciousssss." He swallows the last of the fish.

"Preciousssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss" Aragorn hisses and tries to lengthen the s as long as possible

"Nice. You musst dessire the preciousss. You mussst wantsss it like we wantsss the precioussss, my love," Gollum smiles.

Aragorn stands up and looks shocked, "Who are you calling my love!"

Gollum shrugs, "We is callingsss you my love, my love".

Shaking his head, Aragorn tries to explain, "I'm very flattered, but I have a girlfriend…"

"No, sssstupid humanses…" Gollum stands up shaking his head wildly and holding his hands up.

"Oh, so now I'm stupid. Can't you make up your mind," Aragorn rolls his eyes.

Gollum rubs his head, "You issss making oursss head hurtses."

"And this about eating raw fish, it can't be good for your stomach" Aragorn complains.

Gollum stops rubbing for awhile and glares at Aragorn, "Doesss you know thatss you're very annoying, preciousss?"

"And now I'm precious! Give me strength! Make up your mind!" Aragorn throws out his hands in surrender.

Gollum hisses at Aragorn and continues rubbing his head, "Sssneak away, filthy human, sssneak away."

"No…" Aragorn puts his hand on Gollum´s shoulder. "…I think we should…"

The rubbing stops, "Ssshould," the rubbing continues.

Aragorn patiently corrects himself, "…Ssshould talk about your feelingsss. I'm not the man for you. Sssomewhere out there, isss a man who appreciatesss you…"

"Idiotsss," he hisses. Gollum sneaks away as fast as he can. Aragorn shakes his head.

"I hope I didn't hurt his feelingssss…" Aragorn says to Gimli, who has been studying the whole thing.

"You know you can be very stupid?" Gimli asks and walks away.

Silence.

Aragorn shakes his head, "Hope I didn't hurt him too,"

* * *

"Open you moron!" Sam screams and whacks the door with his staff.

If the Stone dDoor could, it would smile sweetly. "Not if you don't say the magic word…"

"You are a door. You shouldn't even be talking," Sam says and throws out his arms.

"Hello! I'm magic, if you haven't noticed already!" the Stone Door replies.

"I have said every magic word there is to say in the world…"

"There is one left…" the door says wistfully.

"Now you're making it up," Sam mumbles and crosses his arms around his chest to get some comfort. The Stone door lifts its eyebrows. (It's quite a remarkable sight if you remember that doors don't have eyebrows.)

Sam ponders for awhile for the perfect thing to say to get the door to open. Suddenly, an idea pops up in his mind, you can almost see a light bulb emerge above his head. "Alright, you know what I will do?"

"Oh, do tell me, I can't wait," the door says, interested in what the hobbit has come to think of now.

Sam looks proudly and says, "I will hack a new door right beside you, that won't have any stupid passwords, so no one will ever use you…"

The Stone Door wrinkles his eyebrows, again a remarkable sight "Is that the best threat that you can come with?"

"No, I can always sit down right here and sit and sit and sit, talking to you, and I won't stop talking until you go insane" Sam replies totally satisfied.

"Uuu, I'm shaking."

Sam sits down with a loud thud and begins, "Do you know that I'm Frodo's gardener and that Pippin is his second cousin on his mother's side and that Pippin's mother was my mother's father's cousin's daughter…"

* * *

Half an hour later

"ALRIGHT! I'll open!" the Stone Door yells and surrenders.

"Thank you," Sam says and starts walking happily through the door, on the way in he stops and ask, "By the way, what is the password?"

The Stone Door answers, "The most effective password ever made up. The one that will open almost any door. Can you open up, **please**?"

Sam tightens his hands to balls and lifts his foot to kick the door, "Why you…"

But he is interrupted by a scream from the lake.

TBC

* * *

Feed me! Give me some reviews! Don't let me starve to death! 


	6. The Gate of Moria 2

Title:I don´t want to be me! I want to be you!

Summary: Gandalf wants to be hot. Pippin wants to be noticed. Legolas hates Aragorn's many names. Gollum wants friends. Let's let Gandalf and all the others try another life. Do you think Gandalf will do a good job being Legolas?

Disclaimer: I don´t own anything in this story. Well, except for a couple of the Ents, and the Stone door and… This is my first fanfiction.

Thank you all for not letting me starve! Your reviews were delicious! Give me more!

* * *

Aragorn...Gollum

Boromir...Pippin

Merry...Gimli

Pippin...Elrond

Sam...Gandalf

Frodo...Boromir

Legolas...Aragorn

Gimli...Sam

Gandalf...Legolas

Gollum...Frodo

Elrond...Merry

* * *

…But he is interrupted by a scream from the lake.

"A BIG TASSSTY FISSSSHYYY!" Gollum screams, drool coming out from his mouth. He crouches, getting ready to jump on the lake monster.

Elrond swings his arms helplessly, "Gollum, NO! It's not a fish! It's the Dreadful, Slimy, Ring-Bearer Eating Lake Monster!"

The Dreadful-Slimy-Ring-Bearer-Eating-Lake-Monster licks its lips, "Mmm, ring-bearer…"

"Yummy, fisssshy…" Gollum answers and jumps. Everyone looks at him with wide eyes.

Gimli breaks the spell by stating the obvious, "You know you're quite a dork?"

The D.S.R-B-E.L.M catches Gollum in the air and places him above its open mouth.

"Hey! Put usss down! We forgotsss our fork and knife!" Gollum demands and starts pounding on the tentacle.

The D.S.R-B-E.L.M smiles briefly, "My pleasure…" And drops Gollum.

"On the ground, ssstupid fisss…!" Gollum screams, but is cut off when the D.S.R-B-E.L.M swallows.

But then a voice is heard from inside of the D.S.R-B-E.L.M, "Let usss outsss! Very dark, very sssslimy. Oh, a fisssh."

Aragorn takes out his sword from the sword-belt, "ARAGORN TO THE RESCUE!"

The voice inside the D.S.R-B-E.L.M says in a blaming tone, "Resssscue…"

Aragorn stops dead end and lowers his sword, "I don't think this is the proper time to discuss my pronunciation…"

The voice inside the D.S.R-B-E.L.M calmly hisses, "issss, discusssss…"

Aragorn sighs, "Alright… ARAGORN TO THE RESSSCUE!"

"Much better…" The voice inside the D.S.R-B-E.L.M states satisfied. Aragorn runs into the water and starts hacking the D.S.R-B-E.L.M.

"I wonder how long it will take for him to realize that he is standing in water…" Elrond ponders and studies Aragorn intently.

"Let me help! Let me help!" Gandalf begs and looks pleadingly at Sam.

"I think you should stay here…" Sam shakes his head and raises his hand. But Gandalf doesn't hear Sam's wise words; he is already running towards the water.

Sam shakes his head again and looks after Gandalf's running back. He turns around facing the other and bites his lip, "Umm… Should someone bring him back? So he doesn't do something really stupid…"

"But… Gandalf is a wizard… He can't do anything stupid," Boromir says confused.

Gimli taps him lightly on the shoulder to get his attention, "If you haven't noticed, he is supposed to be an elf…"

Legolas knits his brows, "I think that was an insult…"

Gimli takes on a fake surprised mask, places a hand upon his heart and takes a step backwards, "What! An insult? Of course it wasn't! How dare you accuse me of something like that!"

Legolas knits his brows even more, "Oh, are you sure?"

"Never been more sure," the dwarf assures.

"Okay…" Legolas shrugs happily.

"Fool of a Took!" Sam booms and hits his staff on the ground.

"Don't look at me, I didn't do it. Whatever it is, "Boromir replies, confused.

Sam shrugs matter-of-factly, "I know that, but I have always wanted to say that." He chuckles

Elrond taps his foot on the ground dissatisfied, "Sorry to interrupt you little chat, but I think Gandalf and Aragorn could use a helping hand." Everyone looks at Aragorn, who is currently hanging upside down, and at Gandalf, who is trying to convince the D.S.R-B-E.L.M that it is dead after being hit by one arrow.

Frodo bites his lip in thought and shrugs, "Yeah, maybe we should help them. FOR THE SHIRE…! Umm… GONDOR!"

Boromir lifts his sword and screams heroically, "FOR GONDOR… I mean THE SHIRE!"

Elrond, Boromir, Frodo, Merry and Gimli sprint towards the water. Legolas watches for awhile the sprinting figures, before he realizes that everyone except him is playing heroes. And that he would get a bath if he helped.

Legolas mumbles for himself, "No more filthy hair and feet," he then licks his lips and lifts his sword, "FOR CLEAN HAIR!" Legolas joins the others. Sam watches the battle uninterested and then walks back to the Stone door.

"That guy is really annoying" the Stone door snaps.

Sam shakes his head, "Who?"

Stone door rolls its eyes. Quite a remarkable sight, if you remember that doors don't have eyes. "The lake monster, duh. Last time I met him, he ate the dwarves before they had thechance to close me. I got a cold."

"You are a door. You can't get a cold," Sam says in disbelieve. "Oh, wait! You're magical, right?" he suggests and lifts his finger to make a point.

"Right, they left me in the draught," the Stone door sniffles.

Sam pats the door gently, "I'm very sorry…"

"Yeah. You try to blow your nose when you don't have a handkerchief… or a nose…" the door explains in a sorrowful voice.

"You have had a hard life…" Sam suppresses the urge to give the door a hug.

"Tell me about it… I never asked to be door, you know? I was satisfied being a piece of rock in a big mountain. But was I allowed to stay that way? No-o… I was forced to be a door. I think I'm going to cry…" the Stone door hiccups.

"Oh dear…"

* * *

Gandalf's face is slowly turning red of anger, "I HIT YOU YOU'RE DEAD! YOU'RE DEAD! THIS IS NOT FUNNY!"

The D.S.R-B-E.L.M holds two of his tentacles over his ears, "Please, stop screaming in my ear. I am getting a headache."

"WHEN YOU'RE DEAD I'LL STOP SCREAMING!" Gandalf answers in a not too friendly tone.

"Please sir, I was only employed to eat the ring-bearer. Do not make me eat you too… And you sir, yes you hanging upside down, stop trying to cut of my tentacle… I may get angry…" the D.S.R-B-E.L.M begs.

Aragorn stops hacking only to yell, "DROP ME DOWN, YOU SCUMBAG!"

"Quite impossible, sir. If I let you go, you will try to kill me… And frankly, I enjoy being alive" D.S.R-B-E.L.M explains.

"COME ON, YOU COWARD! DIE!" Gandalf screams, paying no heed to the D.S.R-B-E.L.M warnings.

"Oh, deary me…I do apologies sir, I hope you will forgive me, but I did warn you," the D.S.R-B-E.L.M whimpers, picks Gandalf up and swallows him.

Aragorn widens his grey eyes and lets the sword hang limply in the air, "You ate Gandalf. I can't belive it."

"I hope you excuse me, sir," the lake monster begs for forgiveness, "But I did warn him, did I not?" The D.S.R-B-E.L.M looks at the approaching group of Elrond, Boromir, Frodo, Merry, Gimli and Legolas.

"Oh deary me…" the D.S.R-B-E.L.M whimpers.

Frodo opens his mouth, "FOR GONDOR!"

Boromir, Elrond and Gimli follows Frodos lead, "FOR THE SHIRE!"

"Oh dear. I am getting a headache…" the D.S.R-B-E.L.M whispers and covers his ears again.

Everyone attacks the D.S.R-B-E.L.M except Legolas who takes a bath without anyone noticing. Suddenly the D.S.R-B-E.L.M hears voices inside of him.

Voice inside D.S.R-B-E.L.M, which sounds very much like Gandalf, "EWW! What do you eat? And don't you ever tidy up here?" The battle stops and end everyone listens intently.

Another voice inside D.S.R-B-E.L.M, which sounds suspiciously much like Gollum, "We thinksss it isss very nice here… Oh what´ssss thisss? " Gollum pokes his finger in something red and soft.

"Ow, please, sir. Stop doing that, it hurts" the D.S.R-B-E.L.M demands.

"Oh, we aresss very ssssorry," the voice inside D.S.R-B-E.L.M apologieses.

"Mention it not, it is all well now," the D.S.R-B-E.L.M says and nods satisfied. Suddenly someone whacks it on the head.

D.S.R-B-E.L.M looks confused around, "I say, who did that?" The D.S.R-B-E.L.M turns again only to see Aragorn's blood red face

"YOU ATE GANDALF!"

D.S.R-B-E.L.M wrinkles his face, "Yes, I noticed. But please stop hitting me on the head. I have a headache."

Twang.

A voice inside of the D.S.R-B-E.L.M yells happily, " HAHA! I HIT YOU AGAIN! NOW YOU'RE DEAD!" The D.S.R-B-E.L.M spits Gollum and Gandalf out.

D.S.R-B-E.L.M arranges his face into a strict mask, "I have a proposal. You stop screaming and hitting me and I will let you go."

Everyone shrugs, "Ok." And leaves the water.

But…

Twang.

Gandalf laughs and points at the D.S.R-B-E.L.M, "HAHA! I HIT YOU AGAIN!"

"RRRROOOOARRR!"

Everyone swallows nervously and stands paralysed watching the approaching D.S.R-B-E.L.M.

Finally Frodo breaks free from the spell and lets everyone know what he thinks of the situation, "AAAAAAAHH!"

Everyone runs inside the cave. The D.S.R-B-E.L.M rips down the cave opening, trapping the fellowship inside it. Everyone glares at Gandalf in the dark.

"What! He didn't say: stop shooting me." Gandalf answers the accusations. Gimli hits him with the frying- pan. Sam looks sadly at the place where the stone door was.

"Rest in peace, Stone door…" he whispers with tears in his eyes.

* * *

The ex Stone door breathes in loudly, "Lake Monster… I can't help myself, but I hate you…"

* * *

Aragorn scratches himself, "I feel funny… Sort of fresh… And I smell nice… OH VALAR! I HAD A BATH!" He faints.

* * *

Hope you enjoyed! 


	7. Forward

Summary: Gandalf wants to be hot. Pippin wants to be noticed. Legolas hates Aragorn's many names. Gollum wants friends. Let's let Gandalf and all the others try another life. Do you think Gandalf will do a good job being Legolas? 

Disclaimer:I don´t own anything in this story. Well, except for a couple of the Ents, and the Stone door and… This is my first fanfiction. .

I just have one thing to say...: I'm really flattered that you like my humble story!

* * *

Aragorn...Gollum

Boromir...Pippin

Merry...Gimli

Pippin...Elrond

Sam...Gandalf

Frodo...Boromir

Legolas...Aragorn

Gimli...Sam

Gandalf...Legolas

Gollum...Frodo

Elrond...Merry

* * *

Everyone looks at Aragorn.

Merry shakes his head in disbelief, "Gee, I can't believe he took a bath..."

"Well... I don't think he believes it either..." Elrond frowns. Legolas stands a couple of feet away from the others, wearing a goofy smile, while he sniffs at his clothes.

Legolas inhales loudly and sighs, "Ah..."

Gimli turns hastily around facing the elf, "What was that supposed to mean?" He places his hands on his hips.

"Umm... Nothing..." Legolas bites nervously his lip and seems very interested in his feet.

Sam studies the elf closely and ponders, "You look different... You smell different... Hmm..."

Suddenly, Sam takes a horrified breath, he covers his mouth with one of his hands, "Valar. You took a bath..." Everyone takes a horrified breath. Legolas has never been more interested in his feet.

Merry stumbles backwards and points a shaking finger at the elf, "Y-you..."

"I can't believe it..." Boromir denials it.

Gollum hisses angrily, "Nasssty elfie..."

"How could you...?" Frodo turns into a unnatural pale colour and starts to cry.

Elrond glares at Legolas. "Look what you did..." he states and starts to comfort Frodo, who is looking up at the roof asking the Valar: Why? Why him? Why Legolas? Take me instead...

"Never trust an elf!" Gimligrumbles with a sour face.

Sam shakes disappointedly his head, "You did the most forbidden thing on whole Middle-Earth."

"Okay, I took a bath," Legolas defends. "But that's not the end of the world."

Frodo is lying on the ground crying and begging.

Sam walks with determinate steps to Legolas and stops just a few inches from the elf's stomach. "You did something Aragorn never would do freely. You took a bath!" With every word the hobbit pokes a finger into the elf's belly.

Legolas pushes the hobbit away from himself and bends down to Sam's eye level, "Come on, it isn't so bad. Right?"

Sam looks seriously into the blue eyes of the elf and says, "Remember what Elrond said: "I have a marvellous idea! Put your name on a piece of paper. Put them in this hat. Now pull out a paper piece. Read the name on it. Now, if Frodo gets a paper where it says Gimli. He becomes Gimli. Understood? Your paper piece said Aragorn, you're supposed to be Aragorn... And look what you have become...You make me sick!" Sam has tears in his eyes. Legolas looks regretfully at the ground.

Sam whips away the tears and sniffles loudly. "Now, what should we do with you...?" he states with a cold voice and starts pacing around.

"You broke a holy bond... You should be banished from the Fellowship..." he mumbles.

Legolas widens his eyes, "NO!" He throws himself at Sam's hairy feet.

"Please, don't do it! I'll do anything! I can even kiss your feet!" he begs and takes a tight grip on Sam's grey dress.

Sam looks at the elf at his feet and raises an eyebrow, "Oh really? That I would like to see..."

Legolas looks up at Sam and states sceptically, "Seriously?"

"I'm just joking. Continue," Sam brushes away Legolas offer.

Legolas continues to beg, "Give me another chance... I promise I won't screw it up!"

Now it's Sam's turn to bend down. "Can I trust you?" he asks and looks into the elf's eyes.

"Of course!" Legolas assures.

Sam stands up. "Alright," he says briskly. "But you only get one chance," he suddenly turns serious.

Legolas bends his head down in gratitude, "Thank you, thank you, thank you..." After awhile he turns up a tear-streaked face and asks, "Really, do you want me to kiss your feet?"

Sam broods, "Hmm..."

"Because I could do it... If you want me to..." Legolas nods energetically.

"...alright, but only once," Sam says and holds up one finger, as if to show to Legolas how many times one is. With a nod Legolas bends over and kisses Sam's feet.

"Eww... I got hair in my mouth..." Legolas complaints and makes a sour face.

Frodo is on his knees and holds his hands up in the air, "No! Make this untrue! Make it stop!"

Elrond brushes his nose and pats then the crying and shouting Frodo on the shoulder, "Umm... Frodo? You can stop now, Sam has forgiven Legolas, and he stays..."

Frodo stops abruptly, lowers his hands and looks blankly forward, "Oh..."

Frodo shrugs and stands up.

"Do you really mean that?" Frodo asks Elrond and grips Elrond's shirt.

Elrond nods, "Yes."

Frodo looks relieved, "Good." He looks suspiciously around, before yanking the elf down and whispering into his ear, "My heart almost broke."

Elrond presses his lips tightly together, before sceptically saying, "Right..."

* * *

Boromir looks around in the dark cave, "It's awfully quite here..."

"Ouch! I just stepped on something sharp!" Merry grabs his foot and tries to find the sharp object in the foot.

Boromir looks in the direction where Sam is, "Can you get some light in here?"

Sam sighs, "I'll try..." He looks suspiciously at his staff, puts a stone in it, and whispers a magic word.

Nothing happens.

Sam shrugs, "Fine, have it your way..." He whacks the staff on the ground and it lights up.

Elrond nods impressed, "Neat little trick."

"Yeah, works every time..." Sam looks with loving eyes at the staff and caresses it softly.

Gimli scratches his head, "Uhum, you have only done that once..."

Sam looks at Gimli in the "Aaaand...? Your point would be...?" way, "Yeah, but it worked..."

Boromir paniked voice echoes in the cave, "Look around you..." Everyone looks and they see dwarves lying dead on the ground.

Gimli widens his eyes and whispers a horrified no. Boromir casts Gimli a regretting eye and bends over to see what caused the dwarves death.

Gimli shivers when he asks Boromir the unavoidable, "Why? Was it Goblins?"

Boromir shakes his head and stands up, "No."

"Orcs?" Gimli tries.

Boromir gives a dwarf bone a shove with his foot, "No."

Gimli, who is getting very frustrated in this guessing game, gives a last try, "The Lake Monster?"

"Nope," Boromir answers.

Gimli frowns deeply, "Well, what?"

"Ale," Boromir states.

Gimli blinks rapidly, "What?"

Boromir scratches his cheek, "I think they took a few drinks too many..."

Gimli nods approvingly, "That is understandable..."

"I don't like this place at all. Shouldn't we be moving on?" Merry asks and shivers.

Sam bangs his staff in the ground a few times to get everyone's attention, when he has it he continues by giving orders, "Alright. Can someone wake Gandalf? Thank you Frodo. Gimli, did you have to hit Gandalf so hard with that frying pan? He's going to be delirious the next couple of hours..."

Gimli shrugs, "It won't make any difference... He's always delirious."

Gandalf wakes up.

Gandalf turns his head rapidly asking no one and everyone, "Did I kill it! Did I kill it!"

Everyone sighs.

"Alright you people. Let's go!" Sam says briskly.

When Sam's light has disappeared into the darkness, a lone figure stirs at the mouth of the cave.

"Hello? Anybody out there? Help me. I need help. I have a headache. I think I have hangover..." the lone figure says shakily.

Silence.

"Oh, that's right. I haven't been drinking... I took a bath. It's alright, calm down Aragorn. It will be all right. You will survive." Aragorn lights a matched and looks around.

"I see dead people+..."

* * *

+Taken from Blair Witch Project, I think... 


	8. Through Moria

Title: I don't want to be me! I want to be you!

Summary: A couple of men aren't happy with themselves and would like tohave a go at being someone else.Let's let Gandalf and all the others try another life. Do you think Gandalf will do a good job being Legolas? Mix in a Stone door with a tragic past, a forgetful Balrog and soldiers on strike. The result is a Lord of The Rings Cake!

Disclaimer: I don´t own anything in this story. Well, except for a couple of the Ents, and the Stone door and… This is my first fanfiction. .

Like you see, my beta reader hasn't read this, so I would appreciate if you would tell me if I have some big mistakes. And by the way, this is the longest chapter I have written ever, I think, so I would appreciate if I would get many, many lovely reviews

* * *

Aragorn...Gollum 

Boromir...Pippin

Pippin...Elrond

Merry...Gimli

Sam...Gandalf

Frodo...Boromir

Legolas...Aragorn

Gimli...Sam

Gandalf...Legolas

Gollum...Frodo

Elrond...Merry

* * *

Merry scratches his head in thought. "I spy something grey…" 

Gimli chews puzzled his beard. "Umm… Stone?"

"Damn it." Merry kicks disappointedly a stone.

Gimli can't resist to smile triumphantly. "I spy something… hard." Merry thinks.

The hobbit looks around and tries to see anything that can be described with hard. "Hmm… Stone?"

"Bugger!"

"I spy something… sharp," Merry smiles self-confident. Gimli will never guess this.

Gimli ponders for awhile and then he throws out a wild guess. "Umm… Stone?"

Merry can't stop himself from expressing his feelings. "Crap!"

Gimli gives a smug smile, "I spy something… gold and SHORT." Merry lets his gaze wander in the cave.

"I don't have a clue."

"Sam's and Legolas' hair." Gimli couldn't smile more evilly.

"Hair. Short. Hihihihi… That's a good one. Hihihi…" Merry starts to giggle and covers his mouth with his hands.

"Hohohoh… I know. Hohohoho…" Gimli laughs in a "Hohoho, merry Christmas" way.

"We heard that…" And with that, Merry and Gimli shuts up.

Silence.

Merry looks curiously around and whispers. "I spy something…"

Sam stands up from where he has been sitting. "Can you two shut up? I'm trying to think!"

Gimli turns his head towards Sam and tilts his head a little to the left. "On what?"

Sam widens his eyes and his nostrils start to vibrate. "Well, if we should take the left or the right tunnel, duh."

"Oh."

Silence.

"I spy something…" Merry leans forward and feels Gimli's beard tickle his nose.

Dunk.

Sam looks at his staff. "Gee… That dwarwen helmet sure is hard…" Everyone looks at Merry, who lies on he ground, and at Sam's, now, broken staff.

Elrond's face lights up with a small smile. "Look at the bright side. The staff isn't too long anymore…"

Sam turns his head and looks at Elrond with unshed tears in his eyes. "Yeah, but it's too short now."

"Sorry."

* * *

Meanwhile… 

"I see dead people… I'm so afraid… If anyone hears me, I want to apologise to Legolas´, Sam´s, Gandalf´s, Merry´s, Elrond´s, Gimli´s, Frodo´s, Boromir´s and Gollum´s parents. I'm so sorry… If I ever get out of here, I promise I'll take a bath. A bath that smells like…" Aragorn shudders.

"… strawberry. And I will put on clean clothes. I'm so afraid. It's so dark in here. I hate this plac… Oh, look. A bottle of ale."

* * *

Legolas puts a finger at Sam's lips. "Sssch. Listen." 

"Whup?

"Can you repeat yourself. I couldn't hear you," Legolas says to Sam.

"Tfake tfet tfusid sfinher ftom mhy flips"

Legolas frowns. "Fake that fussy spider Tom my flips?"

Gimli makes an annoyed face and hits Legolas on the head with the legendary frying pan. "Take that stupid finger from my lips," Gimli pronounces every word carefully.

"I didn't touch your lips. The thought gives me shivers." Legolas says.

"Ssssch. Listen." Frodo comments and everything turns quiet.

"That was what I said. But did anybody listen then. No-o. Why would anybody listen to Legol…" Legolas mutters but is interrupted by an agreement from a dwarf.

"Why would anybody listen to an elf?"

"…dadidadida… a pirates life… and black sheep… and really bad eggs…" The voice sounds awfully familiar, don't you think?

Boromir takes a cautious step forward and gazes into the darkness. "Aragorn?" The named man steps forth.

Aragorn tilts his head and throws out his arms, spilling ale from the bottle on the ground, and smiling in a goofy way. "Boromir? It's that you? Man, am I glad to see you…?"

"I don't know… Are you?" Boromir asks uncertainly. Everyone rolls their eyes.

"Yes. Yes! I am glad to see you. To see you all!" Aragorn throws out his arms again and runs to Gandalf and gives him a bear hug.

Frodo smiles shyly. "Are you? Oh, that's so nice…"

Legolas shakes his head and helps Gandalf, who is running out of air, to free himself from Aragorn. "Aragorn, what's with you?"

Aragorn looks around confused, as if he was looking for Aragorn. After a few seconds he realises that Aragorn is he. "Who? Me? I met a couple of friendly dwarves, quiet ol´ lads, and they were friendly enough to give me some bottles of ale…"

Merry interrupts Aragorn with gleaming eyes. "Do you have anything to spare?"

"Yes I have."

"…"

Everyone looks at Aragorn.

Aragorn places both his hands behind his back and studies Gimli with a big interest. "Dumdidumdidu… Yo ho… and really bad eggs…"

"Well…" Merry asks hopefully.

Aragorn looks up and releases Gimli's beard. "Dumdiduu… Well what?"

"Can I have some?"

"Oh!" He claps his hands and leans forward. "Hehe… Sorry lad…" Aragorn gives Merry a clap on the shoulder and leans even more forward. When Aragorn is one inch from Merry's face he speaks: "No."

Sam, who is the only one who hasn't been following the happenings intently, yells angrily. "Can you all shut up? I'm trying to think!"

Aragorn walks forward on wobbly legs and leans on Sam. "If you need quiet to think… Then it will be a problem…"

Sam turns his face away from Aragorn's alcohol smelling breath. "What do you mean?"

Aragorn is again lost in his own little world. "Dumdidumdidu… We are devils… and really bad eggs…"

"Well?" Sam taps impatiently with his foot.

Aragorn looks up surprised. "…?… Oh, you mean me. Well you see… Hey, nice haircut. Didn't notice it at first…"

"…"

Aragorn lets Sam go and starts to roam in the little space there is to roam. "Anyway. On my way here I met a bounce of ugly looking figures, and I was quite lost, so I asked them if they have seen you. And they said no. And then they said that they are also looking for you. Small little world isn't it?" Aragorn's hands dances in the air while he talks. "Where was I? Oh yeah. And then they said that if I would find you, I would give them a shout. By the way I haven't done that… Wait a minute. YUHUU! I FOUND THEM!" Aragorn´s voice echoes in the cave before anyone has the time to stop him.

Aragorn continues not noticing the worried faces of the other's. "And then they said that if they would see you, they would give me a shout. Such friendly, ugly creatures. Just between… Umm…" Aragorn counts the Fellowship.

" …five, eight, nine… Hmm… us fifteen, they looked a little bit mean. You know, they kept fingering their swords. Well at first I was a little bit suspicious, so I asked them what their names is. And they answered. Polite, ugly creatures."

"And what is their names?" Boromir asks warily, glancing around, ready to kill the first of those polite, ugly creatures, which would dare to jump into view.

Aragorn places thoughtfully a finger on his lips and stops his wandering. "Well, that is the funny part. They don't have own names. It seems that they all have the same name. Orc. Funny name for ugly, polite, friendly creatures." He smiles.

"…!"

"You will love them, I promise." Aragorn assures them. "Oh, look. Here they come!"

"Follow me! Before they catch us!" Sam picks up his staff, points with it at the right tunnel and runs into it.

Elrond runs beside him. "But how do you know this is the right way?"

"If you want to, you can go back and ask the friendly orcs which is the right way. I'm sure they will tell you."

"I think I'll stay right here with you."

In the back Boromir pushes Aragorn to a run.

Aragorn puts up a fight. "But I don't understand! They are really nice! Don't be afraid of those arrows! They are only playing with us!"

Twang.

Aragorn laughs insanely. "Haha! Good one Mr. Orc! You almost got me thinking you were aiming at my back! Such good humour!"

"Can someone shut him up!" Boromir glares daggers at Aragorn's back.

Legolas smiles happily. "I can!" He hits Aragorn on the head with the sword hilt.

Boromir stops running and glares at Legolas and the fainted person. "Well-thank-you-so -very-much, now I have to carry him."

Legolas smiles wickedly. "Who says you have to?"

"Point." Legolas and Boromir sprints after the others, leaving Aragorn on the ground.

* * *

After one hour the Fellowship is tired of running and hides inside a room. 

Gandalf looks disappointedly at the closed door. "You should have left me there, I could have killed those nasty orcs."

Legolas sneaks up behind him and whispers. "What do you think we tried"

Merry looks around with frightened eyes. "What's that?"

Frodo steps rapidly backwards. "EEWW! It's a grave!"

"What!" Gimli turns pale as a sheet. Sam walks over and reads the text on the gravestone.

He lets his head drop. "I'm so sorry Gimli. It's your cousin, Balin."

Gimli throws himself at the grave. "NO!"

Sam places a comforting hand on one of Gimli's shoulders. "I understand you loved your cousin very much."

Gimli looks confused. "Well, no. He has my best axe. And now I won't be getting it back"

"How sensitive." Elrond says sarcastically. Suddenly there is a knock on the door.

"I wonder who that could be at this time of hour?" Frodo starts to walk towards the door.

Elrond panics. "NO! Do not let them know we're in here!"

Frodo stops abruptly. "Okay." There is another knock.

"Umm… No one is home. Come back later." Frodo says and everyone claps their forehead (well, everyone except Frodo).

"I am only a poor little girl in a pink dress and I am only trying to find my way home," a sad little voice says behind the door.

"…" The Fellowship comments.

The voice behind the door begins to cry. "I miss my mummy…"

Frodo opens the door, full of compassion. "Oh, you poor thing. Come in."

"NO!" Elrond yells.

And behind the door stands… a girl in a pink dress.

Everyone, "?"

The girl in a pink dress smiles sweetly. "Just kidding. Orcs! Attack!"

Sam lifts his staff up. "Fellowship!… Umm… Everyone for themselves!"

Swords clashes and arrows flies through the air.

Gandalf laughs while he kills an orc. "HAHAHA! THIS IS SO MUCH FUN!" Suddenly the ground shakes and a cave troll enters.

Gandalf stops and looks at the troll with admiring eyes. "A cave troll! LET ME HAVE HIM! HIS MINE! DON'T YOU DARE TOUCH HIM!" Gandalf decapitates an orc who was standing near the troll. "Don't you dare touch him. His mine, all mine. Muahahahahaha!" He points an arrow at Elrond, who is getting ready to put his sword in the trolls stomach. "Do. Not. Try. To. Kill. Him! He. Is. Mine!"

Elrond shrugs. "Whatever you say, man. He's yours."

With the feeling that someone is starring at him, the cave troll turns around, only to find Gollum crunching on the ground with gleaming eyes.

"Yummy! A nice, big fissssh."

Cave troll looks at Gollum with a dull expression. "?" Gollum jumps on the troll and bites it.

"A little hard to chew. But we'll manage it, won't we preciousss?"

"DON'T YOU DARE EAT HIM! HE'S MINE!" Gandalf points an arrow at Gollum and lets it go. To Gollum´s fortune (and to the cave troll's misfortune) Gandalf doesn't have, what you would call, a good aim, so the arrow hits the cave troll its right eye.

"… I was just looking for the bathroom…" And the troll falls dead down.

"NOOO! LOOK WHAT YOU MADE ME DO! I KILLED IT BEFORE I WANTED TO! I HATE YOU!"

Gollum bites nervously his lip. "Upssss…" Gandalf starts chasing Gollum down some stairs.

Sam points towards the stairs. "Look everyone! Gandalf found stairs! Come on!" The Fellowship follows Gandalf and Gollum.

* * *

"Do you think we lost the orcs?" Boromir asks everyone and no one in particularly 

Merry shrugs. "Sure looks so…"

Legolas smells the air. "Do you smell something burnt?" Suddenly Gandalf bursts out from a room.

"I KILLED IT! I KILLED THE BIG BEAST!" Everyone looks at Gandalf who is running towards them with his clothes on fire

Sam sighs, feeling a headache coming. "Can someone put out the fire?" Gimli trips Gandalf over and starts rolling him on the ground until the flames are put out.

Sam closes his eyes slowly. "Now, what did you kill?"

Gandalf makes wide eyes, he has never been more excited. "Oh it was big! And black! And it had a whip! And it was made of fire! I killed it in its sleep!"

Now it was Elrond's turn to close his eyes. "Gandalf, I hope you realise that you probably met a Balrog. And Balrogs don't die of one arrow."

Gandalf throws out his arms to prove his point. "It's dead I promise! I saw it with my own two eyes…"

"RRROOOARRR!"

Elrond opens his eyes and glares at Gandalf. "Well, probably we can't trust your eyes…"

Gandalf stomps with both of his feet. "Oh bugger. Wait here, I'll kill it."

"Oh, no you don't." Gimli lifts Gandalf up on his shoulder.

Gandalf starts to kick and scream. "Put me down NOW!"

With a feeling of dêja-vu, Sam picks his staff up and encourages everyone to run for their lives.

The Fellowship starts to run towards a bridge.When they are crossing it, Sam trips on his too long dress. "Help me! I fell!"

Boromir turns around, now running backwards. "Uhu, you said every one for themselves! And you're supposed to protect us! You're a wizard!"

Sam curses. "Damn it!" With wobbly legs he stands up and looks bravely at the forth coming Balrog.

Sam clears his throat. "Uhum… Excuse me Mr. Balrog…"

The Balrog stops abruptly. "Yes?"

Sam bites his bottom lip. "Could you possibly, like, let us go?"

"No."

Sam shakes his head. "Why?"

Balrog stares. "Because…"

"Yes?"

The Balrog scratches his head and ash flies in the air. "Hmm… I don't remember… I have to go and ask my master."

"And who is your master?" Sam wonders.

"Hmm… I don't remember…"

"Maybe your master said that you should let us go…" Sam asks hopefully.

"I don't remember… Could be."

"I'm sure he said so…" Sam assures and nods.

The Balrog frowns lightly. "I should go and ask…"

"Alright, you can go. We'll wait here."

"Promise?"

"Promise." Sam assures again.

…

"Shouldn't you go?" Sam asks.

"Go where?"

Sam points towards the ravine. "To ask."

Balrog shakes his head. "To ask whom?"

The hobbit taps impatiently his foot. "Your master."

"About what?"

"If you should let us go." Sam is getting very frustrated.

"Right. I have a such a bad memory."

"Really. Haven't noticed," Sam mumbles.

"What did you say?" the Balrog asks politely.

"Really. Happy. Noise?"

The Balrog eyes Sam cautiously. "You know you're quite strange. Hmm… Do you have a good memory?"

"Maybe, why do you ask?"

"Ask what?" the Balrog ponders curiously.

Sam rolls his eyes. "If I have a good memory…"

"Well do you?"

Sam is ready to do anything to get away from this stupid Balrog, even ready to do something really idiotic. "Yes."

"Good!" the Balrog takes Sam in its hands and says: "Then you can ask my master… what ever it is that I am supposed to ask." And with that the Balrog, with Sam in its hands, jumps off the bridge into the dark ravine.

The rest of The Fellowship stares in wonder and starts to walk away.

"Where are you going?" Merry asks his friends.

Boromir turns around and answers. "As far away from here as possible."

"But, but, we promised Mr. Balrog that we'll wait here…"

"Merry, that was a joke."

Merry stops abruptly. "Oh."

Gimli shakes his head. "It's sad that Sam disappeared…"

Merry taps his friend on the shoulder in a try to cheer him up. "But there is a bright side."

"What bright side?"

Merry smiles wickedly. "I spy something…"

* * *

Meanwhile 

"Dumdidumdidu… a pirate's life for me… and black sheep… yo ho… and really bad eggs… Why, hello Mr. Orc. Care to join me? I have some really nice ale. Oh you're busy. Doing what? Chasing the nine walkers? Sounds nice. Can I join you. I lost them too. Why thank you. You know you are all very nice. Dumdidudi duu… and really bad eggs… drink up, me hearties, yo ho!"

* * *

Aragorn's song is taken from the Pirates Of The Caribbean. Thanks to Lady of Mirkwood for helping me get the right words. 


	9. Lothlorien 1

Title:I don´t want to be me! I want to be you! 

Summary: A couple of men aren't happy with themselves and would like tohave a go at being someone else.Let's let Gandalf and all the others try another life. Do you think Gandalf will do a good job being Legolas? Mix in a Stone door with a tragic past, a forgetful Balrog and soldiers on strike. The result is a Lord of The Rings Cake!

Disclaimer:I don´t own anything in this story. Well, except for a couple of the Ents, and the Stone door and… This is my first fanfiction. .

Let me explain why I haven't updated sooner. One word school. Thanks for your LOVELY reviews!

* * *

Aragorn...Gollum 

Boromir...Pippin

Pippin...Elrond

Merry...Gimli

Sam...Gandalf

Frodo...Boromir

Legolas...Aragorn

Gimli...Sam

Gandalf...Legolas

Gollum...Frodo

Elrond...Merry

* * *

The Fellowship has finally arrived to Lothlorien. Everybody is relieved and looking forward to take a break from the travelling. Well, everybody except Merry. 

"I don't like this place..." he says and looks cautiously around.

Elrond lifts an eyebrow. "How come?"

Merry lowers his voice. "They say it lives an elf-sorceress here. An elf- witch of terrible powers."

Elrond rolls his eyes. "Well duh, I know. She's my mother-in-law."

"What!" Merry jumps backward knocking Gollum, who is walking behind him, to the ground and makes a cross of his index fingers.

"Keep away, evil one."

Everyone stops walking and to stares at the hysterical hobbit. Gimli goes to stand beside Elrond and crosses his arms.

"Don't go near him. He's possessed. He's a wizard!" Merry warns Gimli. The dwarf eyes Elrond with suspicious eyes.

Frodo walks to Merry and taps him lightly on the shoulder. "If you haven't noticed, Sam is... was a wizard. And Gandalf..." Frodo nods at Gandalf, who is dancing on the flowers. "... is supposed to be a wizard disguised as an elf. You have been around a wizard all the time. What's the problem?"

Merry starts waving his arms. "You don't understand! The elf-witch is evil. If you look at her you fall under her spell... and your eyes pop out." Merry points an accusing finger at Elrond. "If she's his mother-in-law and his eyes are in their original places, then he must be under the influence of her black magic. He is a traitor!"

"Calm down Merry. Take deep breaths. Breath in, breath out. He is Elrond. You know, a good elf. One of the elves who fought against Sauron in the Second age."

Merry widens his already wide eyes and looks disbelieving around. "You don't believe me! None of you do! You are all under his spell! YOU!" Merry points at Elrond, who looks confused.

"This was your plan all along, wasn't it? To take us to your mistress! To give the ring to her!" Merry makes a jump, ending on top of Gollum, who is still lying on the ground. "Give me the ring! I won't let the sorceress have it!" Merry starts to tug at the chain, where the ring is secured.

"NO! Not our preciousssss! It'ssss our, our own, our precioussss. Gollum, gollum." Gollum bites Merry on the hand.

"OUH!"

"Merry relax, we are invited to Lady Galadriel, we will get a bath and a big meal, perhaps even many. Elrond said so." Frodo explains to the lying hobbit.

"Yeah, Elrond. I have a question. You said that we are invited to Lady Galadriel. I can't remember that we got an invitation," Boromir says and frowns lightly.

Elrond gives a big smile. "That is because we haven't"

"..." everybody says

"If we haven't got an invitation, how can you say that we are invited there?" Boromir asks and grits his teeth.

"Because we'll get it in a moment. Even while we speak, we are surrounded by archers pointing deathly arrows at our hearts," Elrond says happily.

"Excuse me, Elrond, if I'm wrong. But it sounded like you are happy about it." Boromir asks while blinking rapidly. Elrond smiles even broader. "So you mean that you're happy, because we are surrounded by Elven soldiers." Elrond nods. Boromir takes a loud breath and then turns towards Merry. "I'm sorry my friend that I doubted you. It seems as if our friend here is trying to have us killed."

"I told you so," Merry says and glares at Elrond.

"No, my friends. You see, soon my old friend Haldir will step forward and I will explain the whole thing to him and then we will be invited," Elrond explains. "Wait and see," he says to make a point. "Any minute now." The time goes. "You will see that I'm right."

"I don't see any Haldir," Frodo says and looks at a bush. "Do you think he is shy or afraid that we are going to hurt him?" Frodo asks and puts his head into the bush. "Hello Mr. Haldir! We are not going to hurt you!"

"What the hell is he doing?" Elrond asks loudly and starts to stomp around, purposely makingsomuch sound as possible. Suddenly he stops and glares at the others. "Well! What are you looking at? Help me make sound!" They start to break twigs and stomp, not daring to ask Elrond what the meaning is of this. After a while Elrond stops abruptly. "What is the meaning of this!"

"My thought exactly," Gimli mumbles.

"They should've heard us already!" he shouts. "HALLLLLLLLDIR! HAAAAALDIR! HALDIRRRR! HALDIIIIIR!"

"What!" A blond elf suddenly steps forward looking more than a little irritated.

"What do you mean by this? We have been in your realmfor more than three hours! Haven't you noticed it? You should've surrounded us already!" Elrond shouts.

"Keep your voice down.Of course we knew you were here. We even know that one of you picked his nose," Haldir says and looks at Gandalf.

"So, why were you not here?"

"The soldiers are being on strike. We want higher salary. The others have chosen me to be their leader," Haldir explains and straightens himself proudly.

"What?" Elrond asks uncertainly.

"We're for the moment demonstrating outside Celeborns and Galadriels house."

Elrond sighs deeply. "So you won't be taking us to Lady Galadriel?"

"No."

"Well, then we must go there by ourselves. Come on everybody."

* * *

"Go away! You won't be getting any more money!" 

The Fellowship has recently arrived to Galadriel's home and they are currently watching her stand on balcony shouting and waving. Elves are standing under her balcony screaming things like: "Money to honey". Some elves are singing "Money, money, money. Is so funny, funny. In the elves world..." And some elves are holding placards where there says some not too friendly thingsabout Celeborn and Galadriel.

"Perhaps this isn't the best time to be here," Boromir whispers to Elrond and watches as a tomato hits Galadriel in the face.

"Who was it!" You'll pay for that! Oh, Elrond!" Her face lights up in a smile, until another tomato hits her white dress. "Stop that! You are all behaving like elflings!" She ducks down as a whole fruit stand is being thrown in her way, but she is too slow. "Oww! MY EYE! My Seeing Eye! My Magical Eye! My Seeing Eye!" Galadriel places both of her hands in front her left eye. "Celeborn...!" Galadriel bursts into tears and runs inside the house.

"I smell trouble..." Elrond whispers. Suddenly two blue flashes of lightning flies from inside of Celeborn's and Galadriel's home and hits two certain elves in the crowd under their balcony. Two piercing screams fills the air and then it turns quiet. But then two evil laughs reach every elf, man, dwarf and hobbit.

"Muahahahahahahahaaa! Muhuhuhhahahahah! Mwuahahahaha!"

"Huahuhuhuahuahuahua! Hiahihihihahahahhia! Hwihihihihiihih!"

The elves from Lothlorienchangeterrified glances with each other before they all start to run away and scream in fear, the two evil laughs following them until all of them have disappeared.

"What was that?" Frodo asks with trembling bottom lip.

"Dear friends, may I introduce my father- and mother-in-law."

"Muahahahahahahahaaa! Muhuhuhhahahahah! Mwuahahahaha!"

"Huahuhuhuahuahuahua! Hiahihihihahahahhia! Hwihihihihiihih!"

* * *

"Elrond, long time no see." Galadriel greets and smiles warmly, her left eye covered by a big piece of meat. 

"Dearest mother-in-law, your beauty beats the beauty of the new day..." Elrond bows, ready to continue his long speech of compliments.

"Yes yes, Elrond. I know that already," Galadriel rolls her eyes and then looks at Frodo with an intense gaze. "Welcome Frodo Baggins. I have been waiting to see you. You bring great evil."

Frodo's bottom lip starts to tremble and a lone tear roll down his chin. "M- me, Lady? Bu-but, I haven't done anything, I promise. Please don't be angry. " Galadriel watches Frodo, as he cries, with a surprised face.

"Uhum," Elrond says. "Frodo isn't the ring-bearer. You should know that by now..."

"What? Curse these pathetic, lazy, money-eating soldiers! Everytime my eye gets better, they hit it with a vegetable and it goes blind again!" Galadriel touches her meat-covered left eye.

"Her left eye is her magical eye. With it she can see many things," Elrond explains when he notices the Fellowships questioning faces.

"Yes," Galadriel sighs. "I can see that I have missed several important things in the plot. Tell me, who is the ring-bearer."

When no one answers her question Elrond turns his eyes at Gollum. "Now, Gollum. Why don't you answer Lady Galadriel?"

"She's an nasssty elfie. We hatess her," Gollum hisses and shows his tongue at Galadriel.

"Come on Gollum, you've been with an elf all the time. RememberGandalf... and Legolas, sort of," Gimli says.

"Those, precioussss? Well, they are not asssss elf-like as the other elvessss. So we hassss no problem with them," Gollum explains and nods atGandalf andLegolas. Legolasfrowns deeply, wondering if it was an insult.

"Well, let me rephrase myself. Welcome Gollum. I have been waiting to see you. You bring great evil," Galadriel repeats.

"If you wantsss, then we can go away and never return..." When Galadriel glares at Gollum, he wisely keeps his mouth shut.

"I see that the wizard is still with us. I'm glad for that, because I have much to discuss with him," Celeborn says and smiles at Gandalf. Gandalf smiles dumbly and caresses his bow. "Tell me, wizard, will you not take a cup of tea with me?" Celeborn makes a jest with his hand, to show Gandalf that he should follow him.

"Uhum, if you beg me pardon. The wizard is no longer with us," Elrond says and bows his head in sorrow. Frodo sniffles loudly.

Celeborn lifts a questioning eyebrow. "Now it's my time to ask you to beg me pardon, Gandalf is here..."

"Yes, we know."

"What do you mean then by: He isn't with us anymore?"

"He fell in Moria. He battled a Balrog and fell. Well, actually he was dragged down. But it's no different. He is gone. He was a good hobbit."

"What! Hobbit?"

"Yes, Sam was a wizard."

"But Gandalf is a wizard..." Celeborn asks confused.

"No, I'm an elf. Bom, you're dead. Hahaha..."

"Elrond, dearest half-elven. I think you are all a little bit exhausted."

"I'm no half-elven. I'm a hobbit!" Elrond says happily.

Celeborn leans towards his wife. "My love, do we have any madhouses in Lothlorien?"

"Not anythat I know of..."

Celeborn sighs and watches the stupid smiles the Fellowship is wearing and listens to their explanations (I'm a dwarf! I'm an elf! I'm a human! I'm a hobbit!) "I think they will be very tiring guests..."


	10. Lothlorien 2

Title:I don´t want to be me! I want to be you! 

Summary: A couple of men aren't happy with themselves and would like tohave a go at being someone else.Let's let Gandalf and all the others try another life. Do you think Gandalf will do a good job being Legolas? Mix in a Stone door with a tragic past, a forgetful Balrog and soldiers on strike. The result is a Lord of The Rings Cake!

Disclaimer: I don´t own anything in this story. Well, except for a couple of the Ents, and the Stone door and… This is my first fanfiction. .

NOTE TO READERS: I'M LOOKING FOR A BETA READER! IF YOU'RE INTERESTED AND BETTER IN ENGLISH GRAMMAR THAN I, PLEASE LET ME KNOW! YOU CAN FIND MY EMAIL ON MY BIO PAGE.

No, no,no... The Fellowship haven't changed bodies! They're just pretending to be someone else, like role-play.

* * *

Aragorn...Gollum 

Boromir...Pippin

Pippin...Elrond

Merry...Gimli

Sam...Gandalf

Frodo...Boromir

Legolas...Aragorn

Gimli...Sam

Gandalf...Legolas

Gollum...Frodo

Elrond...Merry

* * *

Galadriel watches Merry sleep. She eyes the sun and then bends down. "Time to wake up, my dear hobbit." 

"No... Mum... No school... Five minutes more..." the hobbit mumbles.

Galadriel turns around. "Haldir, wake him up..." She frowns lightly when she doesn't see him anywhere. "Right, being on strike. Do I have to do all the dirty work?" she sighs. "Umm... Merry breakfast is ready..."

"I'm up. I'm awake. I'm ready."

Galadriel smiles slightly. "Time to wake and embrace the new day. See the clouds, see the sun, feel the wind, hear... "

"AAAAAHH! The elf-witch! The dreadful, dangerous, manipulating..." Merry screams and pulls back.

"Gee, you sure can give compliments..."

Merry screaming voice suddenly becomes softer as he for the first time sees the Lady (When the Fellowship met her the evening before he hid behind Gimli, not daring showing himself, so that she couldn't use her magic on him. He really likes his eyes.) "... magical, wonderful, beautiful, sweet elf...

"It is good to see you awake," Galadriel states and nods, watching Merry's admiring face.

"It is good to be awake. Uhum, do you hear the birds sing, my lady?"

Galadriel smiles a little broader. "Yes...?"

Merry grasps her hand and looks deeply into her eyes. "Their most beautiful song can't match with your honey filled voice. The sunrays can't match with the golden hair of yours..."

"Oh, dear."

"Alright," Celeborn waves his hand. "You thought it would be nice to have a change, so you chose to play a game. You're an elf, you're a dwarf and you're a hobbit?" The Fellowship nods to Celeborn's question. "My,my... And my daughter wondered why we didn't want her to marry Elrond..."

Elrond glares at his father-in-law.

"Your skin is like milk and smooth as silk..." Merry runs lightly behind Galadriel, who is approaching the Fellowship with long steps.

"How's it going here?" Galadriel asks her husband.

"Just peeeerfect. Our son-in-law just told me about their little... game... Tell me, my beloved, what, oh what have we done to deserve this kind of son- in-law?"

"I don't know... I don't know... But I have some business with the ring- bearer, if Gollum would follow me?"

"No, Gollum wouldn't like to follow nassssty elf-witchie, thank you," Gollum says and crosses his arms with a defiant look.

"Come come. It's important."

"No."

"Please if you would follow me, I would show you the future, past or maybe the present..." she taunts.

"If nasssty elfie-witchie wantsss to show usss the future, passst or maybe the present she can show us it here."

"DAMN IT YOU SLIMY BASTARD! I CAN'T SHOW IT TO YOU HERE BECAUSE MY MAGICAL EYE IS HURT! I'll take you to my mirror... My eye is not well," Galadriel screams and starts to cry. Celeborn wraps his arms around her and glares darkly at Gollum. Suddenly he feels a tap on his shoulder.

"Excuse me, mister Celeborn. That happens to be my girlfriend you are embracing..."

Celeborn turns his head, only to see Merry stand there with crossed arms and glaring eyes. "Is she? Well, I'm so sorry but she's my wife," Celeborn states exactly as coldly as Merry. They stand there glaring at each other for a moment. Galadriel cries harder.

"My love! Look what you did! You made her even more upset by not letting her boyfriend comfort her!" Merry shouts and elbows Celeborn away from Galadriel. "So, so my love. I'm here. I won't let that evil elf come between us," Merry comforts and drags her down to his height.

Galadriel looks up with an alarmed face. "What? My love? I'm sorry, but I'm married..."

"Sssch," Merry whispers and places a finger on Galadriel's lips. "You don't have to pretend anymore. Your husband knows about us. We can express our feelings openly now, finally. I've been waiting for this moment..."

"Excuse me, but I haven't even known you for a day!"

"I know, my love. It was love at first sight."

"Haldir! Come and take this madman away from me!" Galadriel shouts. No Haldir comes. She pries Merry's arms away from her. "Gollum, you're coming with me," Galadriel says and grabs Gollum's arm.

"NO, NO! Let usss go! Let usss go! Filthy elfie kiddnapperses poor Smeagol!" Gollum shouts while Galadriel drags him away.

"Now, my dear Gollum. It is time to... look into your future, past or present," Galadriel says while she drags the struggling creature towards her mirror.

"Well, what'sss that? A birdbath? Iss there tasssty birdies bathing? Tassty birdies..." Gollum asks, his interest aroused.

"It's not a birdbath. It's my magic mirror."

"We can ssee just fine. It'sss a birdbath."

"It's a mirror."

"It'sss a birdbath."

"Mirror."

"Birdbath."

"Mirror."

"Birdbath."

"Mirror."

"Birdbath."

"MIRROR!"

"Isss we getting on your nerve?" Gollum smiles wickedly. "Birdbath, birdbath, birdbath, birdbath..."

"HALDIR!"

* * *

Meanwhile... 

Celeborn and Merry glare at each other. Gandalf watches the two beings with a smile on his lips. "Excuse me, sir. I have a nice bow. And an nice arrow..."

Celeborn turns his head and looks at Gandalf's bow. He bites his bottom lip in deep thought. "Tempting, tempting..."

"CELEBORN! He insulted my birdbath... Look what he made me do! My mirror, my mirror," Galadriel throws herself into her husband's arms. Celeborn glances, over Galadriel's shoulder, at Gollum; who sings "birdbath, birdbath, birdbath" and jumps around.

"Sssch my love... It's all right... Your love is here..." he whispers loudly, so that Merry canhear it.

Merry glares and looks around for Gandalf. "Gandalf. Give me that bow," he demands.

"Give my bow? No," Gandalf says sourly.

"But you offered your bow to Celeborn..." Merry pleads.

"No, I didn't. I only told him that I have a much nicer bow and arrow than he."

Galadriel's scream interrupts them. "I want Haldir! This has been the most horrible four days! I had to wake a hobbit. I had to drag Gollum with me! I had to pour tea in my own cup! I had to find my pink slippers! I didn't find them, I had to take my blue!"

"Excuse me Lady," Frodo says. "But I found these, and I thought that I could keep them. They are so comfortable..." he explains and points at his slipper covered feet.

"Where did you find them?" Galadriel asks and stares with tears in her eyes at her beloved pink slippers.

"They weren't put away, if you mean. Anybody could've taken them. If they would've broken a lock to your private bedroom, stole your box and picked the lock. Anybody could've done it."

Galadriel takes the pink slippers from Frodo and puts her feet into them. Tears appear in her eyes again. "They are to big."

"Well, I have bigger feet than you..."

Tears start to roll down from Galadriel's face. "My slippers," she whispers. "HALDIR! Where are you! Lock that horrible creature in the darkest cell!"

"We don't have cells..."

"Buhuuu!" Galadriel cries.

"Maybe we can shrink them..." Frodo suggests.

"OUT! OUT! Out from my home!"

Elrond frowns lightly. "Or what? How are you two going to get rid of us? We're eight, you're two. I don't think we'll be leaving yet. We're still tired."

"Please go, I will give presents. Here wait a minute," Galadriel pleads and then turns around and runs towards the house. After a minute she comes back. "Here to you a new bow," she says and gives Gandalf a beautiful bow.

"Thank you my Lady," he thanks and admires the bow.

"To you two, knifes," she offers Boromir and Elrond two small knifes. "To you," she says. "To you... You're supposed to be Aragorn?" Legolas nods. "Well, in that case. My granddaughter has given you her heart. I can give you no greater gift," Galadriel smiles. "You're supposed to be Sam, a gardener. Am I right? So I will give you this. In this small box there is a magical powder that will make things grow," she explains and gives Gimli the box. "To you, I will give this vial. In it is the light of the brightest star of my people. It will shine when darkness is as dark as it can be and it will give you hope," she gives Gollum the vial. "And what can I give you?" she asks Merry.

"My love, the only thing I want is you."

"Sorry, no can do. Anything else?"

"A kiss?"

"Nope."

"Not even a small one?"

"No."

"Then give me three hairs. I will cherish them like my heart."

Galadriel glances at Celeborn, who nods. "As you wish." She gives Merry what he asked for.

"Mine, my own, my precious..." Merry whispers.

"Now can you go?" Galadriel pleads.

"Hey I want a better gift!" Legolas shouts.

"Arwen has given you... or Aragorn... or you... her heart. I can give nothing greater."

"Well, duh. I don't want it!"

"Do you insult my granddaughter? How dear you! HALDIR!"

"I don't want any of this stupid powder," Gimli grunts.

"But, but my Lady? Don't I get anything?" Frodo asks and starts to cry.

"Filthy elfie magic! Burns our handsss! Curse them! Curse them!" Gollum screams.

"We're not leaving before we get something else," Legolas states and crosses his arms.

Celeborn watches the whole scene; the crying Frodo, the mad Legolas and Gimli, the screaming Gollum, the goofy smiling Merry and Gandalf, the disappointed looking Elrond and Boromir and the Haldir screaming Galadriel. Celeborn thinks for a minute. "That does it!" he states and walks away. "Haldir. I know you can hear me. Come out. We'll double your salary."

"Double it one more time," the answer comes from a tree.

"What! That's robbery!"

"Not then."

"Alright, come out." Celeborn is defeated. Haldir and every guard steps forward wearing victorious smiles. "Now, get my son-in-law and his company out of the woods!"

"Yes, sir!" The guards grab the Fellowship by their arms and drag them to the river Anduin and throw them into boats. They push the grey boats into the water and watch as the Fellowship sails away.

"Thank Valar it's over," Celeborn sighs.

"Yes," Galadriel agrees. "Haldir, where have you been. You have lots of things to do..." Galadriel starts to tell Haldir everything he has to do.

"Ungrateful elves. For all we did to them," Gimli mutters.

Gollum throws the vial of Galadriel into the river. "No more filthy elfie- magic."

"That, that... There's no curse that could describe that thief," Gandalf says to no one and everyone and stares at the elves that are standing there watching the boats sail away.

"What did he do to you?"Frodo asks.

"That blond elf, the one everyone calls Haldir. He took my new bow," Gandalf says slowly and raises his old bow.

"Oh dear."

"...After you've done that, my wardrobe needs some tidying..." Galadriel explains to Haldir, who is holding Gandalf's new bow. It's a really nice one and Haldir needs a new.

Twang

For perhaps the first time in Gandalf's life, he actually hits the target. Haldir stares at his own arm. Blood flows from it. He can't stand to see his own blood. He faints.

"Haha! He's dead! I killed him!"

The Fellowship laughs, unaware that they are being followed by someone...

* * *

"Stupid bastards... Leaving me there with a bounce of orcs. With a hangover. Tried to eat me. If I ever get my hands on them I promise I'll kill them. They won't get away from this. I won't ever touch anything with alcohol, ever. What's that?" Aragorn mutters and picks the vial up. "Looks like something you can drink..." Aragorn opens the vial and takes a sip. "Mmmm," he mumbles and continues to drink. Our dear Aragorn has become the light in the darkest dark and Gollum's hope.

* * *

TBC 

Sorry that this chapter wasn't that good. I haven't had time to write something better. IP promise to try to make the next chapter better. One thing: Reviews please


	11. The end of Frodo

Title: I don't want to be me! I want to be you!

Summary: A couple of men aren't happy with themselves and would like tohave a go at being someone else.Let's let Gandalf and all the others try another life. Do you think Gandalf will do a good job being Legolas? Mix in a Stone door with a tragic past, a forgetful Balrog and soldiers on strike. The result is a Lord of The Rings Cake!

Disclaimer: I don´t own anything in this story. Well, except for a couple of the Ents, and the Stone door and… This is my first fanfiction. .

I want to thank XNemesis, because she has been beta-reading my story since it was published. (That was probably in December, because my story has been removed twice) However, she isn't able to continue as my beta reader anymore. But I'm happy to announce that I have a new beta now! Her name is The Lady of Mirkwood. Applaud her, dear readers!

Many have asked if Sam will return. I'm not going to tell. It's my secret. ;)

* * *

Aragorn...Gollum 

Boromir...Pippin

Pippin...Elrond

Merry...Gimli

Sam...Gandalf

Frodo...Boromir

Legolas...Aragorn

Gimli...Sam

Gandalf...Legolas

Gollum...Frodo

Elrond...Merry

* * *

"I'm going to kill them. I'm going to kill them slowly and painfully in their sleep..." 

"Why, hello Aragorn! I didn't see you at first, there, in the dark!" Frodo greets, waving enthusiastically.

"I'll sneak up on them; they won't even know what hit them. Slowl..." Aragorn stops abruptly. "What!"

"I said hello! Maybe I should have said goodnight, because it's dark," Frodo smiles happily. "Flower?"

Aragorn automatically takes the flower Frodo offers him, "How did you see me? I crept in the bushes without making a noise!"

"Yes, I didn't notice you at first, but when I went away from the others to do what..." Frodo blushes. "You know... hmm... what you eventually do in your life, after you've taken a couple of you know"

Aragorn looks at Frodo with a questioning gaze.

Frodo blushes even more and makes gestures with his hand to make the human come closer. Aragorn obeys and crouches down, "You know," Frodo whispers. "Wee-wee?"

Aragorn takes a surprised step backwards and straightens himself from his crouched position. "Oh." There's an uncomfortable silence. "Well. Hmm. Maybe I should let you continue with your... business... alone. As in privately. Yeah?"

"Yes, maybe that would be for the best," Frodo answers, nodding.

Aragorn starts to walk towards the place where the rest of the Fellowship is sitting. "Wait. How did you notice me?" Aragorn questions, turning around.

"Did you not know? Oh, you have such a pretty glow. It makes me wish that I could glow in the dark."

* * *

"AHHHHHHHHHHHH!" 

"What was that?" Legolas stands up and listens intently.

"It sounds like something dangerous. Perhaps something deadly" Gandalf speculates. "Let me go. I can take care of it! It's mine!"

"I don't like the sound of this," Gimli says, biting his pipe nervously. Suddenly, Aragorn rushes out from the bushes.

"What has happened to me! Look at me! I glow!" Aragorn yells, throwing out his arms. Everyone blinks, studying him intensely.

"No, you don't."

Aragorn steps back into the dark, away from the light of the fire.

"You glow," Merry says.

"No shit, Sherlock. Do you really mean that?" Aragorn answers facetiously, rolls his eyes.

Frodo appears from the dark and goes to stand beside Aragorn. "I think he means it. He's very smart. Once, he could..."

"Thank you, but do you see someone who is interested? We have bigger problems here, Like: Why in the name of the Valar do I glow?" Aragorn says and hits Frodo on the head. Frodo's head bends forward because of the force of the blow. He turns his head towards Aragorn with a hurt glare. His lips start to tremble with anger and a fire fills his eyes. Frodo turns on his heels and walks away into the dark.

"That wasn't necessary. You were being very rude," Gimli reprimands, glaring angrily at Aragorn.

"Blah, blah, blah. I don't care. I'm glowing! Is it just me that finds that a little weird?"

Everyone agrees that it is possibly a bit weird.

Elrond takes a sharp breath, "You were following us from Moria. You were angry, because we left you there with a hangover and a couple hundred hungry orcs. You followed us to Lothlorien, and then, when we sailed away, you sneaked into the water and started following us. You wanted to kill us but, suddenly you saw a bottle in the water, which was filled with some liquid. You tasted it and, finding it tasty, drank it all. You didn't know that it was the vial of Galadriel, filled with light of the brightest star: the light that can vanquish the darkest of dark. The vial filled withthe hope of Gollum," Elrond explains and breaths in. "No, you wouldn"t be so stupid that you would drink something that you had found floating in a river.

Aragorn blushes.

"Am I right?"

Aragorn blushes even more.

"Oh Valar!"

"Where is Frodo?" Gimli asks and looks around, searching for any sign of his friend.

"Yesss, where isss the tasssty hobbitsie?" Gollum wonders, licking his lips.

"We should go and look for him," Legolas states. He takes his sword and walks off into the dark. After collecting their weapons, the Fellowship follows Legolas.

* * *

"Tasssty hobbitsie. Tassssty hobbitsie! Where are you?" Gollum says and looks smiling around. "Come out; come out where ever you are." He is interrupted by a sob. He stops by a bush and crouches down. "It's okay, dear hobbitsie. You don't need to be afraid of me; I won't hurt you." Gollum smiles, puts his hand into the bush, grabs hold of Frodo's shirt, and drags him out.

"Let me be! Let me be!" Frodo protests and shakes Gollum's hand off of him. "What do you want?"

"What do we wantsss, my preciousss? Why would we want sssomething?"

"You interrupted my meditation in the bush," Frodo explains formally.

"Let'sss ssee... You were meditating... in a bussssh?"

"Yes. I do that a lot."

"We sssee."

"Now, let me know what you want," Frodo demands.

"We weresss looking for you, precious. We all weresss; the whole camp," Gollum tells.

"Well, you found me. Are you happy?" Frodo snorts. "Umm, did you miss me or something?" Frodo asks softly.

"Yesss, we misssed our precious. Essspecially your tassty feet. We're ssso hungry. Not been eating anything tassty in sssuch a long time..." Gollum says, looking greedily at Frodo.

"Oh. W-well m-mayb-be we should g-go back t-to the others. They have surely s-s-something tas-s-sty," Frodo stammers, suddenly realizing why Gollum was looking for him. He takes a step backwards and smiles nervously.

"No, we think it would be better if we left the othersss out of it. We hatess to ssshare dinner. Gollum! Gollum!"

Frodo swallows and runs away.

Gollum shakes his head and follows, "Don't worry! We won'tss hurt you! All we wantsss isss your life!" he shouts after Frodo, laughing maniacally. Frodo looks behind and his eyes widens in horror. He doesn't want to be Gollum's midnight snack! Then he falls. Gollum's eyes glittering in delight, he jumps, landing on top of Frodo.

"Ssso hunnngrrry!" Gollum says between his teeth.

"No! Go away! Leave me alone! HELP! HE'S TRYING TO EAT ME!" Frodo screams in horror. They scuffle on the ground, until Frodo is lying on top of Gollum. He smiles victoriously.

"You were saying?"

Gollum glares back, but before he has the chance to reply, they can hear heavy footfalls.

* * *

A FEW DAYS EARLIER!

"Do you know how orcs came to life?" Saruman asks the Uruk-Hai.

"Snarl," it answers.

"They were once elves, taken by darkness; mutilated; tortured."

"Snarl?" the Uruk-Hai asks.

"How? Well, darkness forced them to watch the Teletubbies every morning for three hours. Are you satisfied?" answers Saruman.

"Snarl," the beast comments contentedly.

"Where was I?" Saruman asks absentmindedly.

"Snarl," the Uruk-Hai says helpfully.

"Ah, yes! Tortured, mutilated, and shaped into what became orcs. And now, perfection! Now I have an army that can move in daylight. I have an army that isn't afraid of anything! Now I hav..." Saruman's eyes shines happily.

"Umm," the Uruk-Hai interrupts. "Snarl."

"Well, not afraid of anything except pink slippers. Are you content?"

"Snarl," it states happily and shivers at the thought of slippers.

Saruman rolls his eyes, Well , he thinks, Nobody is perfect. He turns around to face the crowd of snarling beasts. "You will notfeel fear nor pain! You will taste man-flesh," he orders. He then turns towards the captain of the small Uruk-Hai army. "One small being has something very precious. Bring him to me. He will be unspoiled and unharmed. Understood?"

"Snarl," the beast answers and smiles politely.

"Snarl?"

"Yes, of course. How could I forget? Kill the others."

* * *

Heavy footfalls disturb the silence in the woods. Soon two Uruk-Hai see Frodo and Gollum. They snarl a loud snarl and rush towards the two lying figures.

"Snarl," the bigger Uruk-Hai says.

Frodo and Gollum look at each other. Then, at the same time, they both stand up and start to run. The Uruk-Hai catch the two fleeing Fellowship members.

"Snarl?" the smaller one asks.

"Do we hasss sssomething preciousss, precious? No, we hass nothing. But that ssstinking hobbit there has something of great value," says Gollum, answering the Uruk-Hai's question.

The beasts change looks and then put down Gollum and pat him on the head, "Snarl."

"Yesss, we are good boysss," he says. He then waves to Frodo and scampers away as fast as he can.

Frodo watches in horror as Gollum runs away and then turns around, only to face two smiling Uruk-Hai, "Heheh, I'm a good boy too..."

* * *

Five Uruk-Hai watch Merry with glaring eyes. They don't understand.

"You don't understand? How boneheaded can you be? I'm not one of the small; I'm a dwarf. The small ones are that one over there, and that one right there," Merry explains, pointing out Elrond and Boromir.

"Snarl?" asks one of the more talkative Uruk-Hai.

"No, I'm sure that I'm a dwarf: as sure as they, over there, are hobbits."

"Snarl," it thanks, shrugging. With that, the five beasts start to walk towards Elrond and Boromir, weapons at the ready.

* * *

The Uruk-Hai that is holding Frodo feels something in his pocket; it takes it out and drops it in horror.

"Snarl!" it shouts in fright and takes a step backwards, dropping Frodo. The beasts watch the object lying on the ground in horror. Taking the chance, Frodo spurts away, only to return when he notices that he forgot something important.

"Excuse me. I will be taking that back now. Galadriel would be very angry if I left one of her pink slippers with some Uruk- Hai," he explains. Then he snatches the slipper and sprints towards the camp.

For a few moments, the Uruk-Hai are too frightened to move, but, finally, they start to move again.

"Snarl!" the chattiest of the beasts shouts, and they start to follow Frodo, with murder in mind. No one gets away from them when they have made them almost piss in their pants.

* * *

Gollum gallops through the woods with only one thing on his mind: getting away from there, and quickly. He comes to the shore and climbs into one of the boats. Throwing away the elven-rope, he grabs a paddle, puts it into the water, and paddles one time. To his surprise, the boat doesn't move an inch.

"And where do you think you're going?" Gimli grumbles, holding the boat in his big hands.

Gollum frowns angrily and then turns around, putting on a fake smile. "Mr. Gimli, so nice to sssee you. We only wanted a little exercise, nice dwarf... hobbit. Nice hobbit. It'ss the truth!"

"You did? Why don't I believe you?" Gimli asks, lifting one bushy eyebrow.

"We don't know, we don't know! We're ssso nice. Nice us."

"Oh, I understand! You didn't want risk the lives of the Fellowship, so you've decided to go to Mordor by yourself?" Gimli smiles.

"Ah, yesss. That'sss it. Let usss go, nice hobbit. We have a job to do," Gollum smiles back.

"No, I couldn't let you go on by yourself. I'm coming with you. And we're going to need that rope," Gimli says and picks up the elven-rope.

Gollum rolls his eyes and presses his hands to his head. "Ssstuid, ssstupid," he mumbles miserably.

"What did you say?" Gimli asks and smiles tenderly. Gollum glares at him. "Let's move," Gimli orders, and he starts to paddle.

* * *

Aragorn breaks through the trees watching Gimli and Gollum disappear into the woods on the other side of the river. He takes deep breath, "I'm not letting that bastard go away unpunished. It's his fault I glow." With that, he plunges into the water, following Gollum, his whole glowing being wanting to strangle the ring-bearer.

* * *

The five Uruk-Hai run towards Elrond and Boromir. They are almost there when, suddenly, Frodo appears from the trees, and runs into the leader Uruk-Hai. It stumbles backwards. Frodo lifts his sword, angry, because he had lost his slipper. "ARGHH!" he screams, and attacks the beasts, killing the first.

Suddenly, two other Uruk-Hai appear from the trees. "SNARL!"

Every Uruk-Hai turns their hating eyes at Frodo. He has pink slippers. Frodo attacks again, killing Uruk-Hai number two. The remaining Uruk-Hai turn around, sprinting away from Frodo: they don't want to be infected by someone that has touched a pink slipper! After making some distance between themselves and the angry hobbit, one of them raises its bow and shoots.

The arrow hits. Frodo falls to the ground. Boromir and Elrond watch in horror as their friend falls down. "NO!" they scream, only to be hit in the head by sword hilts. They fall down, unconcious. The snarling beasts lift them up, smiling, and walk away.

* * *

Merry, Legolas and Gandalf turn up only minutes after the Uruk-Hai took their captives.

"Frodo, no," Merry whispers and runs to his fallen comrade.

Legolas watches Frodo's pale face, "Who did this?"

Gandalf looks around innocently, feeling someone's stare. He looks up only to see Legolas glare at him. "It was certainly not I!" he protests.

Legolas looks at the arrow, "No, of course not. I'm sorry. You couldn't hit a target if it was only one foot away from you."

Gandalf, who understands that his honor has been insulted, protests again, "Well, perhaps it was I. I just don"t want to boast about having killed somebody."

"Stop arguing! Frodo"s dead!" Merry shouts, starting to cry.

"Come, my friend. We'll give him an honorable funeral. We"ll send him home on the river. What do you say? Shall we do that, eh?" Legolas asks, crouching beside Merry.

"Yes, he would've liked it."

* * *

Legolas, Merry and Gandalf watch in sorrow as Frodo slowly sails towards the waterfall.

"Yes, he would've liked it," Merry whispers.

"Where are Elrond, Gimli, Boromir and Gollum?" Legolas asks.

"I saw Gimli and Gollum sail away," tells Gandalf.

"What! You let them go!"

"Yes. I think that they"re going towards Mordor."

"Well, I guess that that is two people and a ring less to worry about. What about Elrond and Boromir?"

"I think I saw them being carried away by some Uruk-Hai, but I'm not sure," Gandalf answers.

"That's good. I never liked them," Legolas states happily, nodding.

"Legolas, have you forgotten that they were kidnapped and to be taken to possibly be tortured?" Merry raises an eyebrow.

"No, I just think that they can be a real pain in the ass sometimes," Legolas explains and looks after the boat. "Ah, well. I don't have anything better to do anyway," he sighs. "Shall we follow them and try to free them? After all, they're our pain in the ass, not the Uruk-Hai's. They should find their own."

"Yes, maybe we should. I could use some exercise," Merry answers and shrugs.

"Let me check my agenda... Yes I'm free, if I skip my tennis lesson on Thursday," Gandalf says.

"Let's hunt some orcs," Legolas says. Then, he smiles and starts to follow the beasts.

"Actually, they're Uruk-Hai!"

* * *

"Ouch, that stung. Thank the Valar that Bilbo gave me his mithril shirt."

"Where am I?"

"What"s that noise? It sounds like a waterfall."

"Shit."

With that, Frodo drops down the waterfall.

* * *

Reviews, please? 


	12. Aragorn's capture

Title: I don't want to be me! I want to be you!

Summary: A couple of men aren't happy with themselves and would like tohave a go at being someone else.Let's let Gandalf and all the others try another life. Do you think Gandalf will do a good job being Legolas? Mix in a Stone door with a tragic past, a forgetful Balrog and soldiers on strike. The result is a Lord of The Rings Cake!

Disclaimer: I don´t own anything in this story. Well, except for a couple of the Ents, and the Stone door and… This is my first fanfiction. .

Give a big thanks to my beta The Lady of Mirkwood!

* * *

Aragorn...Gollum 

Boromir...Pippin

Pippin...Elrond

Merry...Gimli

Sam...Gandalf

Frodo...Boromir

Legolas...Aragorn

Gimli...Sam

Gandalf...Legolas

Gollum...Frodo

Elrond...Merry

* * *

"I don't know why you're so grumpy. I mean, I come and help you to destroy the ring of power. Yet, when I try to lighten up the mood by suggesting that we play a game, you want to play, "Push Annoying, Bone-headed Jerk Down The Cliff Toward Certain, Painful Death". Even when I don't think that it sounds like any fun, you decide to play it without my permission. Those razor sharp rocks didn't seem very nice," Gimli complaints, pouting.

"We're sssso sssorry; maybe we can play another game. It'sss called "Ssqueezzze The Lassst, Living Breath Out Of Your Partner, And Then Pusssh Him Down The Cliff." Does that sssound fun?"

Gimli turns his nose up, "I don't know. I don't think that I want to play anything with you anymore. Maybe I don't like you."

"Good, then we aresss two..."

"What did you say? I didn't hear you."

"Nothing, nothing."

"Do you see what I mean? You're always turning me down. You never let me know you; I mean really know you. You just whisper with yourself. You never let me into your gang. I feel like an outsider. You can be very mean! When your friend's not here, you're all, 'We're best friends,' but then, when your snobby little friend comes, you'e all like, 'Get away, you git.' It hurts, man. It hurts. If you don't improve and start to appreciate me, you're going to lose me," Gimli whines.

"What sssnobby friend? It'sss only you and me," Gollum answers the accusations.

"The one with whom you're always whispering," Gimli explains. Then, his voice turns soft. "You know, I'm here for you. If you have problems, you can come to me and I will listen and offer you some comfort, good advice, handkerchiefs and chocolate."

"The one with whom we whisper is ourselvesss," Gollum responds. There's a brief silence. Gollum opens his mouth to say something, but interrupts himself.

"No, tell me. Go on; I'm here," Gimli pats Gollum's hand.

´"Keep hisss filthy handsss away from our cleansess," Gollum hisses, shaking Gimli's hands away from his. He then bends forward and whispers, "We're not alone."

* * *

Aragorn follows the sound of arguing.

"That doesn't sound like a nice game."

"It'sss really nice."

"No, I don't want to play it."

"Oh, well..."

There's a sound of something heavy falling down, and then, a sigh of relief.

"Five inches to the left and..."

"Damn it! Wasting ssssuch pretty rocks; they're praying to be hit by something flessshy!"

"Hey! You there! That wasn't nice."

There is a sound of something heavy crawling up.

"I don't know why you're so grumpy..."

Aragorn smiles slightly. So easy! Just a little further, two pushes, and then...

"There you are! What did you think that you were doing? Leaving me there with that...creature!"

Aragorn slowly closes his eyes. Not now. I'm so close. He turns around, facing this new danger. "Ah, Arwen, my love. What a... pleasant surprise!"

"Don't you Arwen me! You left me there with that hideous monster," Arwen hisses and bends forward putting her beautiful face close to Aragorn's. "Six meals. Six. Meals. Six meals. Six meals. Six meals. Do you understand? SIX FREAKING MEALS A DAY!"

* * *

"What do you mean we're not alone?" Gimli asks, confused. "Oh," he states, and leans backwards, crossing his arms and putting on a cold face. "He's here, isn't he? Your little friend."

"No! Lissstenss."

"...Do you understand? SIX FREAKING MEALS A DAY!"

Gollum and Gimli exchange glances and start, at the same time, to crawl towards the noise. Cautiously, they peek over the large rock to see Arwen bending over Aragorn, her dark-blue dress dirty, and torn.

"What were you thinking! And now-," Arwen accuses but cuts herself off. She turns her angry eyes to the rock behind which Gimli and Gollum are hiding. "You!" Gimli and Gollum point at themselves. "You," she repeats breathing heavily. Gimli and Gollum point with shaking fingers at each other, each silently pleading that Arwen isn't talking to him. "You," Arwen growls. She then strides toward them, takes them by their collars, and throws them beside Aragorn.

"You."

"Yes, ma´am?" Gimli whimpers.

"You imbeciles!" she shouts. "Have you any, ANY, idea of the thing through which I have been put?"

Aragorn opens his mouth and lifts a finger.

"No, you don't. You thoughtless men! You swines!" she interrupts. She starts to sob, "All men are jerks. Leaving me there...alone."

"Arwen, don't cry," Aragorn whispers and moves closer to her.

"I want my love," she cries out and buries her face in her hands.

"I'm here, my love. Don't cry," Aragorn soothes, and kisses her on her head.

Arwen looks at Aragorn with a disgusted face. She pushes him away. "How dare you?" she asks and rises. "How dare you? You slimy beast! Taking advantage of a helpless woman!" she asks and hits him on the head with her sword. "I'm taken, thank-you-very-much."

"Arwen, it's me: Aragorn; remember?"

"No you're not. You're Gollum."

Aragorn stands up, takes Arwen's hands, and looks into her eyes. "Arwen, my love: I know that I'm Gollum, but it's only a game. I'm still Aragorn. I'm just playing Gollum," he explains, stroking her hands.

Arwen eyes him, confused, "I don't understand."

"I understand,but you don't have to strain your pretty, little head," he says, patting her head.

"What? Do you mean that my head is going to get exhausted if I try to understand this game, that I'm not able to understand this because I have a small head, or that I'm so stupid, it's impossible for me to understand this?"

"Uh...what? Can you repeat the alternatives?" Aragorn asks weakly.

"Pssssst..." Gollum hisses.

Aragorn bends forward, after giving Arwen an apologetic smile. She glares at him.

"It"sss the third alternative," Gollum whispers helpfully.

"Are you sure?"

"Absolutely."

"Thank you," Aragorn smiles, relieved.

"One other thing," Gollum hisses.

"What?"

"Not sure; It'sss ssssssure."

"Okay, thank you."

"Don't mention it. We'resss happy to help a friend," he answers with a shrug.

Aragorn looks romantically into Arwen's eyes, "My love, it's the third alternative."

"What?"

"Yes. The third. No need to shower me with kisses."

"Oh, I think you deserve at least one," Arwen says with blazing eyes.

"Yessss, give him at least five. Ssssuch a good boy," Gollum smiles evilly.

Slap

Slap

Slap

Slap

Slap

Aragorn touches his now red and throbbing cheek. "What was that for?"

"You swine! So I'm stupid, am I? Well Mr. Aragorn/Gollum, I'm leaving now. You're not my love. You're not my sweet Aragorn. I hate you!"

Aragorn stares at Arwen with an open mouth. After awhile he turns around to face Gollum. "You snake! You told me the wrong answer!"

Gimli and Gollum dry up their tears, "What's that? We didn't tell you that it wasss the right anssswer."

"I asked you if you were sure!"

"Yesss, that you did," Gollum answers, nodding. Gimli giggles and Gollum also starts to giggle. "The right answer: to get some asss-kicking!"

Aragorn glares at Gollum and is about to jump on him, but he sees that Arwen is going to leave. He snatches her into his arms and embraces her, "I'm so sorry. It was that wicked-"

"Wasssss," Gollum corrects.

"...wassss that wicked creature that made me say-"

"Sssay."

"...ssssay that horrible thing."

Arwen pushes him away from her, and takes hold of him by his collar. "You lying beast. You're not Aragorn. He would never, ever lie to me. He knows better."

"But honey-bunny, I'm Aragorn."

"Are you sure?" she asks weakly.

"Yes."

"You promise?"

"By my heart."

"You swear?"

"I swear."

"Pinkie swear?"

"I swear," Aragorn says, and he and Arwen hook their little fingers, and nod grievously.

"Now," Aragorn begins, "'how 'bout a kiss?"

Slap

"Ouch! What was that for?"

"How dare you lie to me, Aragorn, son Arathorn!" Arwen screams, her hand still raised.

"I lied! About what?"

"First, you told me that I was stupid, and then, you tell me that you lied!"

"Valar, give me strength!"

"As I said, Aragorn, you lied to me. You're no longer the man with whom I fell in love. You're no longer worthy of me. In fact, I'm going to find Legolas. He's supposed to be Aragorn; maybe he appreciates me," she explains to the shocked man. After walking a few steps, she turns around.

Smack.

Aragorn lies unconscious on the ground, while Arwen massages her right hand, "Ah, always wanted to do that. He'll probably follow me and stalk my precious little boyfriend Legolas and me..." she says and thinks. "Hey you guys!"

"Us?" Gollum and Gimli ask, taking a step back from the obviously insane elf.

"If you don't want to end up like him," she points with her thumb at Aragorn, "you'd better do as I tell you..."

The two partners glance at each other, "What ever you say, my lady."

Arwen grins.

* * *

"Wakey wakey, sleepy weepy," Gimli says and touches Aragorn's shoulder lightly. 

"What?" he asks while looking around the area. "Where's Arwen? Why are my hands bound?" he asks in alarm.

"She didn't want you to stalk her, and... how did she say it? Oh yeah. 'He'd probably stalk my Snookie-wookie-tookie, booboo Legolas and me," Gimli answers with a grin.

"Snookie-wookie-tookie? That's my name!"

"She really calls you that? You really have a bunch of stupid names."

"Let me go! I have to follow her!"

"We can't do that. She ordered us to keep you with us," Gimli explains.

"No, you don't understand! I have to warn Legolas! When she's in that mood, she..." Aragorn tells. "She..." he tries. "She..." he tries again. "No, I can't say it. It's too horrible."

"Oh, well, it's not your headache. Come, let's go. Mount Doom will not get any closer by its own power," Gimli orders, yanks Aragorn off the ground, and drags him towards Mordor.

"May the Valar help you, Legolas, because none other can help you now. Maybe not even they can," Aragorn whispers and follows Gimli.

* * *

Legolas looks up from the ground, which he is examining. "Something's not right." 

"Damn right! There's a nick in the blade after I hit that ugly Uruk-Hai!" Merry complains, and waves his axe.

"Which one?" Gandalf asks curiously.

"You know; that one."

"Oh, you mean the ugly..."

"Yes. It was really... you-know-what," Merry answers.

"Yeah, I know what you mean. I mean how could it...you-know-what?"

"Say no more, say no more," Merry says, smiling slightly.

"What are you two talking about?" Legolas asks, interested.

"You know," Gandalf says. "That Uruk-Hai."

"No, I don't" Legolas says confused.

"What! Merry, can you believe this? He doesn't understand!" Gandalf shouts, throwing his arms up in disbelief.

"I know! I mean, how can you not know? I mean, hello!"

"Say no more, say no more. I mean, duh! How could you miss it?" Gandalf asks. When Legolas understands that this discussionabout how someone could miss that Uruk-Hai can continue for a long time, he interrupts.

"Do you want to know what I noticed?"

"Well, tell us, so that we can continue with the interesting discussion."

"Something's coming," Legolas answers and swallows hard. He could already hear steps coming toward them. "I don't think that we're going to survive."

* * *

Ok, let me know what you think of the Arwen thing. And let's see if you can guess what is coming towards Legolas, Merry and Gandalf. I think you can. 


	13. The riders of Rohan

Title: I don't want to be me! I want to be you! 

Summary: A couple of men aren't happy with themselves and would like to have a go being someone else. Let's let Gandalf and all the others try another life. Do you think Gandalf will do a good job being Legolas? Mix in a Stone door with a tragic past, a forgetful Balrog and soldiers on strike. The result is a Lord of The Rings Cake!

Disclaimer: I don´t own anything in this story. Well, except for a couple of the Ents, and the Stone door and… This is my first fanfiction. .

MY SUMMER HOLIDAY HAS STARTED! YEAH!

I'm sorry that I haven't been able to update sooner, I've been occupied with my friends and my summer work. I'm selling ice-cream. It's great! You should try it sometime...

I want to thank you all for your wonderful reviews! It's they that keep me writing! blows kisses

A big thanks to my beta, The Lady of Mirkwood!

* * *

Aragorn...Gollum 

Boromir...Pippin

Pippin...Elrond

Merry...Gimli

Sam...Gandalf

Frodo...Boromir

Legolas...Aragorn

Gimli...Sam

Gandalf...Legolas

Gollum...Frodo

Elrond...Merry

* * *

"I don't think we're going to survive."

"What do you mean?" Merry asks.

"I mean that we won't be able to draw breath; our hearts won't be pumping blood in our body; we won't be able to walk and talk, that is if you're not intending to become a zombie; we won't-" Legolas explains.

"Wait, wait! I know what being dead means. I want to know, why we're not going to surviv-"

"Hello boys!"

The three hunters freeze in their movements and slowly turn around, only to see..

Arwen beams at them, showing her white teeth, "I've been looking for you!"

"Oh, joy," Legolas mumbles.

"Excuse me, what did you say?" Arwen smiles.

"Oh, what a joy," Legolas repeats loudly. "Not," he adds quietly.

"Oh, Legolas! You don't know how I've been missing you! What have you been doing, my Snookie-wookie-tookie?" Arwen asks flinging herself around Legolas's neck.

Gandalf and Merry exchange glances and start to snicker loudly.

"What!" Legolas shouts, blushing. He peels Arwen away from him. After placing her at a safe distant away from himself, he glares at the two snickering friends.

Gandalf pouts, "What? Don't be mad. We didn't mean any harm... Snookie-wookie-tookie." This time Merry and Gandalf don't stop at snickering, they roar with laughter.

"Oh, shut up!" Legolas commands.

"W-w-we'r-re s-so s-sor-r-ry... Snookie-wookie-tookie," Merry roars and almost drops to his knees.

Legolas blushes even more and glares at them.

"Oh, don't mind them. They wouldn't understand real love if cupid shot them in their little backsides," Arwen purrs and slaps Legolas on his bottom. With this, Legolas becomes a living beetroot.

"Please, woman!" Legolas pleads and pushes Arwen away from himself. "What are you doing here?"

"What I'm doing here? Well, isn't it obvious? I'm here for you, my love."

"What! Keep your hands away from me!" Legolas shouts and pushes Arwen, making her fall to the ground.

"Ouch," she complains and massages her sore backside. "Why did you do that for, my love?"

"Don't touch me! Don't even come near me!" Legolas demands. "Keep to Aragorn!"

"I don't like him anymore. He's such an asshole. He lied to me! I don't love him anymore. I thought that, because you're supposed to Aragorn, you have to be sweet and caring," Arwen says still sitting on the ground. "So, I thought for awhile, and I came to the conclusion that I love you."

"What!"

"Is something wrong with your hearing? You keep asking me 'what?' Has some bad boy screamed at you or hit your ear? If someone did that, don't you worry; I will kick his ass," Arwen says, standing up and glaring at the still laughing Merry and Gandalf. The two wisely shut up.

Gandalf lifts his hands up in defense, "Don't look at me; I haven't done anything." After saying this, he points accusingly at Merry and mouths "He, not me, he".

Arwen frowns and glares angrily at Merry, balling her fists.

"I promise, Miss Arwen, nothing has happened to the love of your life. We have protected him all the way from Rivendell," Merry assures, stepping a step back from Arwen's intense glare. Arwen lifts a warning finger and presses her mouth to a thin line. Merry and Gandalf understand her silent warning and quietly promise to be Legolas's bodyguards from now, on.

Arwen turns back to Legolas and smiles warmly. "Snookie, why don't we leave these gentlemen, and take a walk alone; totally alone," she says, smiling.

"Gulp," Legolas swallows.

Merry and Gandalf starts snickering again.

Arwen smiles warmly. "I've missed you so much," she says and throws her arms around Legolas.

"Chan't brath," Legolas breathes.

"What did you say, my love?" Arwen asks, pressing him more tightly.

"Han't bryth."

"What?" Arwen asks mildly.

"Umm, I think he says that he can't breath," Merry says, having stopped snickering for a moment.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I just thought that you missed me so much that you wanted a big hug," Arwen apologises and lets him go.

Legolas takes deep breaths, and when he has gathered his strength, he pushes Arwen away from him, "Geez, woman. I don't like you; not even in the slightest. Don't you understand that already? I've known you for as long as I can remember, and I regret almost every moment."

"So, you don't love me?" Arwen asks, after landing on the ground.

"NO!"

Arwen bursts into tears. Merry and Gandalf immediately stop snickering at Legolas's bad fortune and become serious.

"Well, that wasn't very nice. Or was it Merry?"

"No, that wasn't nice at all," Merry answers Gandalf's question.

"Indeed, it wasn't," Gandalf says. "This makes me wish that I had-"

"- Gimli's frying-pan with me. Yes, I know the feeling," Merry ends Gandalf's sentence. He and Gandalf place their hands on their hips and shake their heads simultaneously.

"Now, dear lad-" Merry begins.

"- apologize to the nice lady," Gandalf ends.

Legolas frowns. "No, I won't."

Merry and Gandalf stare at him accusingly.

"She started it!"

The two friends look at him like two parents would look at a disobedient child.

"She provoked me!"

Merry and Gandalf shake their heads in disappointment.

"She had it coming, right?"

"Dear lad, you're a hundred years older than she. Shouldn't-" Merry starts.

"- you act like you're a hundred years older?" Gandalf ends.

Legolas crosses his arms and pouts angrily.

"You know, the one that ends-"

"- is the smartest."

Legolas glares at them and then at the crying Arwen. He shakes his head, "Alright then. But only if I'm smarter than she."

"Yes, you are," Merry assures.

Legolas sighs and then walks over to Arwen. He stands beside her; looking up at the sky, with his arms crossed. "I'msorrycanyouforgiveme?"

Arwen dries her tears away and flashes him a smile, and then throws herself around him. "Of course I forgive you! I couldn't be angry at you!" She smiles gratefully at Gandalf and Merry, who stands behind Legolas's back. "Can I come with you?"

Legolas, yet again, peels her away from him and is going to answer her in a not-nice way, but Gandalf and Merry run hastily around the two elves, so that they stand behind Arwen's back. They glare at Legolas, warning him from saying anything nasty. Legolas shuts his mouth.

"It will be dangerous," he answers, after a moment's silence.

"I can fight."

"There won't be much rest."

"If you three don't need to rest, I won't need to rest."

"You won't be able to wash yourself."

Arwen presses her lips tightly shut and almost starts to panic at the thought of not washing once a day.

"I'll manage," she says reluctantly.

"It'll be hard to run in that dress..."

"I can rip it away..."

"..." Legolas says.

"I was just kidding."

Legolas thinks hard about something that will make her return to her home. "You will not see your home in a long time."

Arwen steps backwards and looks into Legolas's eyes. "You're right. You're absolutely right," she says weakly. "I'm definitely-"

"- not coming," Legolas ends with a sigh of relief.

"No. I was saying coming. I'm definitely coming. I'm not going to see Pippin in a long time," she says happily. "No more six meals a day..." she says to herself.

Legolas looks pleadingly at Gandalf, but he only smiles. "Alright, you can come. But," Legolas says, lifting a finger. "You will not, in any circumstance, touch me, unless I give you permission."

Arwen releases him immediately and steps backwards, "Of course; as you wish."

"Good. Now, let's go," Legolas instructs and starts to walk away.

"Don't you worry, Miss Arwen. He loves you. He just... hasn't realised it yet-" Merry claps Arwen on her back.

"- but if you try hard enough, he will realise what a fool he has been," Gandalf ends, and squeezes her shoulder.

"Do you really think so?"

"We're sure-," Merry says smiling.

Arwen sighs happily and hops happily away after Legolas.

"- we'll have many good laughs," Gandalf smiles evilly.

* * *

"I see riders," Arwen says, peering into the distance. 

"How many are there?" Gandalf asks, taking his bow into his hands.

"I correct myself. I see good riders; maybe twenty or thirty."

"Let's wait for them and ask them if they have seen our friends," Legolas says, sitting down beside a rock.

"Pains in the ass," Merry corrects.

"What?"

"If I remember it correctly, you called them "pains in the ass"."

"Yes, I did, didn't I?" Legolas chuckles.

"Yes, you did."

"You called them 'our pains in the ass-'" Gandalf says.

"- and said that the Uruk-Hai, 'should find their own'," Merry ends.

Legolas chuckles at his own joke.

Not much later the riders approach the four hunters.

Legolas stands up, lifting a finger, "Excuse me, but-" The first rider rides past him, not noticing him. Legolas lowers his finger and shakes his head in confusion. Then, he makes a new try. "Excuse me-" Still, the riders don't notice him. He growls in annoyance. "Hey, imbeciles!"

The riders, like almost everyone on earth, don't like insults, especially against their intelligence. They turn around and surround the four friends, pointing their spears against them.

"Well, good job. Now you made them angry," Merry growls.

"Another brilliant job has been done by Legolas," Gandalf growls.

"Don't you dare insult him!" Arwen defends. "You have to admit that he caught their attention."

"Yeah, and now we're at the wrong ends of the spears."

"Don't be so negative," Arwen says.

"Who are you, oh Four Strangers? Don't you know that you have to have permission from the king to walk in this country?" a rider, who has stepped down from his horse, asks.

"If you walk on your hands, is it illegal?" Merry asks.

The rider peers at him from behind his helmet. "Let me rephrase that-"

"Yes, that would be nice," Merry interrupts.

The rider glares at him, "You need the permission of the king to touch this country-"

"If you ride a horse through the whole country, never touching the land, yourself, does that count as touching the land?"

"Yes, it does," the rider snaps in annoyance.

"Well, I wonder-" Merry starts.

"If you don't shut up now, dwar... human... child, I will be forced to... shave your feet. Valar! They are so hairy! Don't you ever have a pedicure!"

Merry pales at the insult of his feet.

"Don't you ever-" Gandalf says putting an arrow on his bow, "- ever insult his feet." Gandalf aims at the rider. The other riders press their spears forward even more, making them dig into the four hunters.

"Don't worry, Rider of Mystery. He couldn't even hit a Balrog-" Legolas assures.

"Yes, I did! I hit it in Moria! Don't you remember!"

"Shut up," Legolas hisses from the corner of his mouth. "As I was saying," he flashes a smile at the rider. "He isn't a threat; he just overreacted. He was only kidding, weren't you, Gandalf?"

"Yeah, yeah," Gandalf mumbles, putting down the bow. He bends down and pats Merry's head. "Don't be sad. He is only jealous of your feet."

With tears in his eyes, Merry looks up at him. "Do you think so?" he asks hopefully.

"Umm... yeah. They're really, really, really cute."

"Yeah, you're probably right. Back home, they say I have a model's feet," Merry says proudly and looks at his feet. He wriggles his toes.

"I'm sure they do."

"Tell me, Four Strangers, who are you?"

"I'm Legolas, this is Arwen-" Legolas tells.

"A pleasure to meet you," says a smiling Arwen, curtseying.

"Ummm..." the rider says and stares at her.

Legolas glares and steps in front of her, blocking the rider's view of her. "This is Merry," Legolas says, leaning to the right, following the rider's movement, "and this is Gandalf," he continues, while still attempting to follow the movement. Arwen blushes at the attention she gets from the rider. "Now it's your turn to tell us your name," Legolas says, putting a hand on the rider's shoulder and straightening him.

"Umm, what did you say?" he asks, trying to peer over Legolas's shoulder.

"Your name is...?" Legolas says, standing on his toes, making him as tall as he can.

"Eomer," he answers.

"We're looking for our two pai-... friends. They've been taken by a band of Uruk-Hai," Legolas tells Eomer, leaning to the left. "Have you seen them?"

"Are they friends of the beautiful lady, there, behind your back?" Eomer inquires.

"Yes," Arwen answers.

Eomer, for once, stands still and looks sombrely into Legolas's eyes. "I'm afraid we met the Uruk-Hai yesterday."

"Did you see two hobbits with them?" Legolas asks.

"Hobbits?"

"Umm, one of them looks like a man and the other looks like an elf," Legolas explains.

"I'm afraid that, if one of my soldiers saw them, they're dead. We killed every living thing that travelled with the Uruk-Hai. We burned the bodies. I'm sorry," Eomer places a hand on Legolas's shoulder.

Legolas looks numbly into Eomer's eyes. After a while, he shrugs and says, "Ah, that's a shame, but, no worries."

"You told me that they are your friends. Aren't you mad at us, or sad, or something?"

"Not really. They weren't that good," Legolas explains and turns around, facing his companions. "Well, there's no point in our following them. We can head home."

"No, we can't. Boromir has my carrot. I want my carrot back," Merry pouts.

"Did you say he has something that belongs to you?" Eomer asks. "I hate it when people borrow things and don't return them. Here, take these horses. May they carry you to your carrot," Eomer says, offering three horses to the four riders.

"Not that I'm ungrateful, but we're four and that is only three horses."

"I was only going to give you two horses, but a lovely woman like she can't possibly share a horse with one of you three. She needs a real man, like me," Eomer explains.

"We thank you," Arwen says, blushing.

"Yeah, yeah," Legolas growls. "Let's go and find Merry's carrot."

The four friends mount the three horses, making Merry share Gandalf's horse.

"Remember, I only lend them to you. I want them back," Eomer says.

"We'll bring them back," Arwen assures.

"When you say it, I believe it, my lady," Eomer says bowing.

"Let's go," Legolas orders and gallops away, the others following.

"Umm, sir," a rider says to Eomer.

"What?"

"I don't know if you've noticed, but you don't have a horse."

"Yes, I know."

"Well, what are you going to ride?"

"I'm going to ride your horse," Eomer states.

"You're going to share my horse with me, you mean?"

"No," Eomer says and drags the rider off of his horse. "I'm going to ride your horse," he says while mounting the animal. "You're.. going to walk. We ride now!" Eomer commands and the riders ride away, leaving the lone man standing there, watching his friends ride away.

"I knew I should've kept my mouth shut. Note to self: Never ever ask Eomer if he wants to share my horse. I should've remembered that he stole my hobbyhorse ten years ago," the man muttered to himself. He glares at the retreating back of Eomer, "I want my hobbyhorse back!"

* * *

Well? Would it be possible to get a few reviews, please? 


	14. The Escape

Title: I don't want to be me! I want to be you!

Summary: Let's let Gandalf and all the others try another life. Do you think Gandalf will do a good job being Legolas? Mix in a Stone door with a tragic past, a forgetful Balrog and soldiers on strike. The result is a Lord of The Rings Cake!

Disclaimer: I don´t own anything in this story. Well, except for a couple of the Ents, and the Stone door and… This is my first fanfiction

**ATTENTION READERS! I want to apologise to Laureline! She gave me the idea that Arwen should turn up! The idea isn't mine! The idea came from Laureline! Thank you Laureline! I apologise! I have two times forgot to mention that it was your idea, I apologise and thank you for the idea.**

My beta reader hasn't read this chapter, so I apologise for every spelling and grammar error!

* * *

Aragorn...Gollum 

Boromir...Pippin

Pippin...Elrond

Merry...Gimli

Sam...Gandalf

Frodo...Boromir

Legolas...Aragorn

Gimli...Sam

Gandalf...Legolas

Gollum...Frodo

Elrond...Merry

* * *

"Elrond? Elrond? Are you awake?" Boromir asks. Since he and Elrond were captured by the Uruk-Hai, they have been riding on the beasts' back, with their arms tied together before the Uruk-hai's faces. This isn't the most comfortable way of travelling and because of that Elrond got a little blackout...

* * *

A day before 

"Excuse me, Mr. Beast?" Elrond says knocking lightly on the Uruk-Hai's chest.

"Snarl!" it answers angrily.

"**Excuse** me! That wasn't very polite!"

"Snarl."

"Oh, now I'm offended. Well anyway, I was just wondering if we could stop and you could, like, shave your back," Elrond wonders.

"Snarl!" the Uruk-Hai states, both surprised and shocked.

"And while we're at it, could you stop jumping and swinging while you're running? I'm getting sea-sick."

"Snarl snarl snarl."

"I understand that the hair on your back is your pride and that your future mate will be checking it, but if this is the service I'm getting on this trip I can assure you I won't be using your services again. And I will tell all my friends and my family about you."

"SNARL!"

"Now that was very rude! I **will** complain to your boss! You won't be getting any job in this industry. I demand that you take me to your superior!" Elrond demands shouting while he bangs his fists on the chest of the Uruk-Hai. The beast frowns and starts to run towards the boss.

"Snarl?"

"Snarl?"

"Snarl snarl snarl snarl snarl," the Uruk-Hai, carrying Elrond, explains to the boss.

"I most **certainly** did not! This is a scandal, Mr. Uruk-Hai Boss! This creature has not only insulted me, he has also threatened me. You heard it yourself! And I certainly did not tear away hair from his back!" Elrond accuses and explains.

"Snarl," the beast, that is carrying Elrond, mumbles.

"Oh! Well, snarl on yourself."

The two Uruk-Hai pale at Elrond's harsh word.

"Snarl!" the Uruk-Hai that carries Elrond pleads.

"Snarl," the leader answers, nodding.

"Snarl," it thanks and watches as the leader raises his sword.

"I'll say! This is a scandal! You wait until I get home! I'm going to sue your sorry asses, you-!" Before Elrond can finish the line, the leader brings the hilt down upon his head, making him faint.

* * *

"Elrond!" Boromir yells and finally gets respond. 

"Ouch. That hurt."

"You stupid... hobbit! Why did you do that? Why?" Boromir screams.

"Ouch. Don't scream, I have a headache. And stop kicking me!" Elrond orders and kicks back.

"Sorry."

"Now, what do you want?" Elrond asks, while he closes his eyes.

"Why, oh why, did you go and complain?"

"What! You can't **possibly** be **enjoying** this!"

"No, I don't. But I don't go and complain to the Uruk-Hai that its back is hairy and that its walkingstyle makes me nauseous."

"Well, it did. It does," Elrond defences, looking a little ashamed.

"And has it changed, now that you have complained?" Boromir asks glaring at Elrond.

"No."

"What did you say? I didn't hear."

"**No**."

"I still can't hear you."

"**NO**!"

"Good. Suited you right, being hit down when you did something so dumb. No wonder you got caught by the Uruk-Hai," Boromir says nodding satisfied.

"Excuse me, Mr. You're-so-stupid-that-you-got-caught-by-the-Uruk-Hai, but if you're **so** smart. What are you doing here?"

"I'm here by free will."

"**Right**. Sure you are," Elrond says sceptically.

"I am!"

"I believe you. How could I doubt you?"

"I'm telling the truth!"

"Of course you are. Why would someone not want to be kidnapped by a band of Uruk-hai? It's such a **delighting** experience," Elrond states cheerfully, smiling broadly.

"I came here by free will to help you. You just can't take care of yourself. Just look at what you did!" Boromir says motioning at the lead Uruk-Hai.

"And how's it going? Tell me, how are you planing to help me, oh helpful one?"

"Well... I'm... You know-"

"No I don't know. Please do tell me, smart-one," Elrond taunts and narrows his eyes.

"Um... Eh..."

"Snarl!" the leader Uruk-Hai shouts and everyone stops.

"Well-" Boromir begins, but is cut off when the Uruk-Hai drops him down. Beside him Elrond is also lowered to the ground.

"Snarl!" one of the Uruk-Hai commands.

"Oh, what a pity! We're not allowed to talk. I'm very sorry, but I can't tell you how I'm going to help you," Boromir says regretfully and shakes his head.

"Yes. I'm sure you're **really **sorry," Elrond answers in a monotonous voice.

"Snarl!"

"Alright, alright! I'll shut up," Elrond says aloud. "Hairy beast," he then adds quietly.

"Snarl?" the Uruk-Hai asks.

"Umm... Fairy feast?"

The Uruk-Hai looks at him in a way that says 'why are you not in a mental- hospital' and then stalks away. It watches as one of the Orcs, that have along the way joined the Uruk-Hai band, walk over to the Uruk-Hai leader and knocks it, not so gently, on the shoulder-blades.

"Excuse me, but do you recall our bet?" the Orc asks, while it peers at the Uruk-Hai.

"Snarl?" the leader answers.

"About the captives?"

"Snarl?"

"Oh, you know. I said that one of them is going to complain about the hairy back and that it's getting nauseous. Ring a bell?"

The Uruk-Hai nods, its attention on the Orc.

"And you said that if they do that, me and my mates will get what ever we wanted to eat. And as you recall one of the captives did complain and now, I want my price."

"Snarl?" the Uruk-Hai, asks angrily. He isn't known for being a good looser. The other Uruk-Hai slowly backs away looking at anything else than their leader. Some of them even try to whistle.

"We want meat!" the Orc demands.

The Uruk-Hai looks around and then takes up his sword and decapitates an Orc, "Snarl?"

The Orc watches numbly as his mate dies and then shrugs, "Let's eat."

The Orcs lounge at their dead friend and eat him up. The same Orc that talked for a minute ago looks up at the taller Uruk-Hai, "I thank you, but we didn't want to eat him. Orcflesh tastes... icky. We want to taste at the captives."

The Uruk-Hai once again raises his sword, "No-one touches them. They are being taken to our master and he told us that they must be unspoiled."

"Hey, why don't you snarl?" Elrond questions.

"Have you **ever** snarled a whole day? It really irritates the throat. I need throat pastille. Can someone hand me one? Thank you. The snarl thing is only for show. Everyone thinks that just because you are big and have a hairy back, you are some kind of a monster. And it is kind of funny to see how people react when we start to talk normally. You should have seen your faces! They were hilarious!" the Uruk-Hai says and laughs delicately, "hihihihi..." It looks at the stunned faces of Elrond and Boromir and then turns over to the Orc, "Now where we're we? Ah, yes. No, you have to find something else to eat." The Uruk-Hai peers into the night, "May I suggest a tasty human."

"Oh, and you suppose we'll find humans here?" the Orc grumps.

"Yes, in fact. I'm seeing thirty right now."

"What?" the Orc turns around and jumps to the left, avoiding an arrow. The battle has begun.

* * *

Boromir looks at the fallen sword and smiles. He cuts off his bonds and then helps Elrond. 

"I told you I had a plan."

"Yeah," Elrond says. "You just knew that thirty humans were going to barge in and start a battle."

"Yes, in fact I did. It was my plan-"

"Please scream, make my day," the Orc whispers into Boromir's ear and presses the bladeat the man's throat. "Now, my lovely ones, we're going for a walk." It grabs Boromir and Elrond by their collars and drags them away to the edge of the wood, where it stops and stands with its back against the battlefield. The Orc looks at the two friend's faces and smiles.

Elrond looks back at the battle. "Look out!" he screams to the Orc.

"Oh, my pretty one. I know that trick. You want me to turn around an-." An arrow flies and hits the Orc, which drops Elrond and Boromir to the ground. Not loosing any time, they sprint into the woods.

"Haha, sucker!" Elrond screams to the Orc when they are at a safe distance.

"Why did you do that?" Boromir asks, while running.

"What?"

"You warned it. Why?"

"Well, I couldn't just do nothing."

"And why! What if he believed you and had ducked?"

"I have done my good deed of the day. Same thing can't be said by you," Elrond says, without stopping.

"I saved you, remember? Without me you would've been alone with the Uruk- Hai."

"Right."

"Without me the men wouldn't have come!" Boromir insists.

"Right. You probably used telepathy."

"I-" Boromir begins but is interrupted when he bumps into a tree, which hadn't stood there a few seconds ago.

"T h a t w a s n ' t v e r y n i c e , b u m p i n g i n t o m e . N o w i n g o o d m a n n e r , y o u s h o u l d a p o l o g i s e ," the thing that he bumped into says slowly.

"What?" Boromir looks up. He looks at this tree, but the tree talks. "What are you?"

"T h a t w a s n ' t w h a t y o u s h o u l d h a v e s a i d . B u t b e c a u se I w a s r a i s e d i n a g o o d h o m e , I s h a l l a n s w e r y o u r q u e s t i o n : I a m a n E n t . Y o u c a n c a l l m e T r e e b e a r d ," Treebeard answers. "N o w ca n y o u a p o l o g i s e ?"

"What is an Ent?" Boromir asks.

"H m m m . . . T h a t w a s r u d e . B u t b e c a u s e I w a s r a i s e d i n a g o o d h o m e I w i l l a n s w e r y o u : I t ' s a t r e e h e r d . N o w c a n y o u a p o l o g i s e ?"

"Treeherd?"

"H a v e y o u n o m a n n e r s ! H m m . . . I w i l l n o t s a y a w o r d u n t i l t h e w h i t e w i z a r d h a s t a u g h t y ou a v al u a b l e l e s s o n i n m a n n e r s ," Treebeard decides and picks Boromir and Elrond up.

* * *

At the same time at the battlefield 

"Hmm, this is strange," Eomer says and stares at the fire.

"What is?" his friend asks.

"I don't really know. I just had this strange feeling that someone called for help, in my mind..."

* * *

The day after 

"I can't use a bow... I can't hit anything... Not even a Balrog..." Gandalf mumbles angrily. "We'll see. I will show him." He puts an arrow at bow and fires it, hastily he fires another arrow. He hears a high scream and looks down the hill to see if the arrows hit. He looks down and stands still.

Arwen rides past him, mumbling, "Must get help. I must get Eomer."

Gandalf looks at Legolas and Merry. He looks at the arrows sticking out from their bodies.

"Ha! I TOLD YOU I CAN HIT MY TARGET!"


	15. Alive or not alive, that is the question

Title: I don't want to be me! I want to be you!

Summary: Let's let Gandalf and all the others try another life. Do you think Gandalf will do a good job being Legolas? Mix in a Stone door with a tragic past, a forgetful Balrog and soldiers on strike. The result is a Lord of The Rings Cake!

Disclaimer: I don´t own anything in this story. Well, except for a couple of the Ents, and the Stone door and… This is my first fanfiction

Abig thanks to my beta, The Lady of Mirkwood!

* * *

Aragorn...Gollum 

Boromir...Pippin

Pippin...Elrond

Merry...Gimli

Sam...Gandalf

Frodo...Boromir

Legolas...Aragorn

Gimli...Sam

Gandalf...Legolas

Gollum...Frodo

Elrond...Merry

* * *

"Ha! I told you that I can hit my target!" Gandalf screams and runs down the hill, jumping a few times. He stops at Merry's unmoving body. "Hey! Wake up! Look! I showed him that I can hit my target! It's time to celebrate! Bring forth the champagne!" Gandalf shouts happily and bends down. "Merry?" he asks uncertainly and shakes Merry lightly. "Merry, wake up. I want you here beside me," he says softly. He pokes Merry in his side with his index finger, draws himself backwards, places his hands on his head and shuts his eyes, waiting for Merry to burst out laughing. Merry is very ticklish. Gandalf slowly opens his eyes and looks at Merry. Merry lies unmoving. Reality hits him. If an arrow hits you, you are likely to die. "No, Merry. No! Don't leave me. Don't leave me! Wake up. I need you here," Gandalf pleads while tears stream down his face. "Please, I didn't mean to. It was a joke," Gandalf says. He looks up from Merry, "Legolas." He runs over to Legolas, "Legolas! You have to help me, I think Merry is dead. Legolas?" Gandalf's legs don't seem to have the strength to keep him up, so he falls down beside Legolas. "BY THE VALAR! WHAT HAVE I DONE!" 

"What has happened?"

"Don't you see? I've killed them!"

"Really?"

"Yes!" Gandalf shouts.

"Are you sure?"

"Never been more sure."

"Well, that's strange. I've never been the smartest, but I feel very alive. But, if you say I'm dead, then you're probably right. What a pity. I rather enjoyed being alive. Oh well, I'd better go back and lie still, then."

"Yes, I think that's the thing dead people do..." Gandalf answers.

"Yeah. It was nice knowing you."

"Couldn't agree more."

"Oh, while I remember it, could you please tell Boromir that he can keep the carrot. That is, if he's alive. If he's not, don't bother following him. I can tell him myself. I really don't have a use for a carrot in my current condition. It would only rot, and I don't like wasting food."

"I will tell him. Don't worry," Gandalf answers.

"Okay, thanks. Bye."

"Bye, bye."

Merry lies down.

"..." Gandalf says and stares forward. He turns around, looks at Merry, turns away, turns around again to look at Merry, only to turn away again. "No, I must've imagined."

"Blasted rock! It digs into my stomach! Can't decent people be dead in peace?" Merry throws the stone away.

Gandalf blinks rapidly and feels the stone hit him. "MERRY! YOU'RE ALIVE!" he screams, then jumps up and runs to Merry.

Merry looks at him, confused, "Am I? You just told me that I'm not."

"Don't you know you shouldn't listen to me! Come here, you ol' rascal, give me a hug!"

Merry is swept up into Gandalf's arms and is almost squashed. "What "about "Legolas?" Merry breathes.

"Yes, what about me?" Legolas asks and glares at Gandalf, tapping one foot.

"Legolas!" Gandalf exclaims and drops Merry ("Ouch!") to the ground. He runs to Legolas, lifts him up and twirls around, "I'm so happy!" Suddenly he stops and drops Legolas. He stands still, his face impassive. Soon he starts to grin, "Ha! I TOLD YOU I CAN HIT MY TARGET!"

"So you did hit your target, I presume," Legolas says, lifting an eyebrow.

"Yes!"

"So, in other words, you hit your targets, the targets being Merry and me."

"Yes!" Gandalf shouts happily. Slowly, Gandalf starts to understand what he just said, his grin fades." mean, no."

"Do you mean: No, Merry and I weren't the targets, or no, you didn't hit your targets."

"Yes!"

Legolas watches Gandalf for awhile, then smacks him on the head. "Idiot."

"So, our friends aren't alive then," Legolas states, looking at the still smoking pile.

"Doesn't seem so," Merry says and watches it also.

"Was that really necessary?" Gandalf asks grumpily and massages his sore head.

"Yes," Legolas says.

"Indeed," Merry agrees.

"I feel very left out," Gandalf grumps.

"Good."

"Indeed," Merry agrees.

"You're mean, do you know that?" Gandalf asks grumpily.

"Good."

"Indeed," Merry agrees.

"I don't like you anymore."

"Good. I don't like you."

"Indeed," Merry agrees.

"Merry!" Gandalf shouts. "Do you really mean that? If you mean that, I'm going to be very sad," Gandalf sniffles.

"Good," Legolas says.

"Indeed," Merry agrees.

"Fine," Gandalf spits, walks away and sits down on the ground, his back facing Merry. He looks into the forest and sees to his surprise an orc, lying at the edge of it. Gandalf walks over to it and, to his utter surprise, he sees a pair of footprints leading into the forest. He recognises them. "These are Boromir's and Elrond's. Should I tell the others?" Gandalf questions and looks back at Legolas and Merry. He smiles, "Nah."

* * *

"Why are you so happy?" Legolas asks and watches Gandalf jump towards him and Merry, whistling. 

"Me? Nothing, nothing."

"Alright," Legolas shrugs and continues to watch the smoking pile.

"Nothing... but a secret."

"Okay," Merry says.

"Don't even try to convince me to tell you," Gandalf says.

"Wasn't even going to," Legolas shrugs.

"Not even your tears would make me tell you."

"I don't mind," Merry shrugs.

"Not even wild horses could make me tell."

"What about tame horses? Or pigs?" Merry asks, interested. "Or mice? Or rabbits"

"Not even they," Gandalf assures, shaking his head.

"Oh. Good for you."

"Whatever you do to torture me doesn't help you."

"Why would we do that? We're not interested," Legolas states.

"Alright! Alright! You can stop pleading! I will tell you! Geez, you people are nosy!" Gandalf exclaims and lifts his hands up. "Elrond and Boromir are alive."

"Oh!"

" Well... That's... good news, I think..." Legolas says.

"I can't says it's bad. I have a chance to get my carrot back," Merry says smiling. "Now that I'm alive, I do have a reason to get it back. I'm feeling hungry."

"Yes, well, we have come this far. Why not go to the end? How do you know that they are alive?" Legolas asks Gandalf.

"I saw their footprints. They lead into the forest."

"Ah, that's Fangorn Forest. I have heard of it!" Legolas smiles.

Merry looks at Legolas with a smile, "You have? It must be nice things, when you look so happy just by hearing the name!"

"No."

* * *

I would really appreciate it if I got a little more response. Even flames are better than nothing! 

And now, a note from the Lady of Mirkwood:

REVIEW HER STORY, OR I WILL PERSONALLY SHOOT YOU WITH THE CYBER-ARROWS OF DOOM!Don't think I won't!


	16. Aragorn's freeing and the tour on the De...

Title: I don't want to be me! I want to be you!

Summary: A couple of men aren't happy with themselves and would like tohave a go at being someone else.Let's let Gandalf and all the others try another life. Do you think Gandalf will do a good job being Legolas? Mix in a Stone door with a tragic past, a forgetful Balrog and soldiers on strike. The result is a Lord of The Rings Cake!

Disclaimer: I don´t own anything in this story. Well, except for a couple of the Ents, and the Stone door and… This is my first fanfiction

Here's a new chapter. Hope you like it. I want to thank for the reviews I got from the last chapter, they were all welcomed.

Arien, The Maia, this chapter is for you.

My betareader hasn't read this chapter so try to survive the spelling errors and please tell me what they are, so that I can correct them.

Enjoy.

* * *

Aragorn...Gollum

Boromir...Pippin

Pippin...Elrond

Merry...Gimli

Sam...Gandalf

Frodo...Boromir

Legolas...Aragorn

Gimli...Sam

Gandalf...Legolas

Gollum...Frodo

Elrond...Merry

* * *

"Come on, be a sport!"

"No, no and NO!"

"Please," Aragorn begs and reaches his bound arms out towards Gimli and Gollum.

"Read my lips: NO!" Gimli shouts.

"Please free my arms."

"Why? Doessss they burn you, my precious?" Gollum asks.

"Umm... Yeah. They burn. Umm...Ouch, it really hurts. It feels like... umm... like they are on fire... umm," Aragorn says.

"Good. Let them burn," Gollum smiles, "You led Nassty Elf Lady to usss."

"Come on. She isn't here! She wouldn't know if you'd take them away."

"Keep on dreaming. If we'd free you, you'd follow her and then she would know that we set you free," Gimli says.

"And that would make her angry at us," Gimli adds whispering. He shivers.

"Yessss, she isss nasty. She threatened ussss. Threaten she did. Oh horror, horror!" Gollum complains.

"What did she say to you?" Gimli asks sympathetically and pats Gollum's shoulder.

"Oh, she didn't say anything, but we could ssssee it in her eyes. Yess we could, couldn't we preciousss? We have nightmares every night. Every night she visits us," Gollum buries his head in his hands.

"Tell me of your dreams."

"It'sss the sssame dream every night. We have a nice, fresssh, wriggling, juicy fish in our hands. But then Nassty Elf Lady steps forward and we looksss at her and she smiles and looks at our fissssh. We looks down at our handses, but there is no longer a juicy fish. There is a plate! A plate with **potatoes**, cooked potatoes. The fish isss no longer fresh, it's cooked. And there's **vegetables**. Nassty elf lady says that if we don't eat our vegetables, we have to go to bed without dessert. Oh horror!" Gollum tells and shivers.

Gimli and Aragorn stares at him numb. After awhile Gimli says, "Well... that's... terrible."

"We're ssssorry, but we needs ssssome time alone to calm down ourssselves."

Gimli and Aragorn watches as Gollum walks away.

"So, what's your explanation?" Aragorn asks.

"What explanation?"

"Why you can't free me. He has nightmares. What's you explanation?" Aragorn says. "Oh, I see. You don't need to tell me. I understand."

"What? What do you see?" Gimli requires.

"Don't worry, you secrets safe with me," Aragorn says and blinks with one of his eyes.

"What? I don't understand! What do you see?"

"Your feelings for Arwen, of course silly."

"What feelings? I don't have feelings for her!" Gimli denies.

"You don't fool me. I'm not blind, you know. I can see that you shiver everytime we talk about her," Aragorn says and holds one of his fingers up. "And don't try to convince me that it's because of fear."

"I don't love her! I can prove it to you!" Gimli shouts and stands up with his fists clenched.

"You can prove it to me? Well, prove me wrong then," Aragorn says and leans backwards with a confident smile.

"Yeah, that's what I'm going to do!" Gimli announces.

"Umm.., What am I supposed to do?" he then asks shyly.

"I don't really know. What would Arwen hate?"

"Umm... She hates when you lie to her..."

"There! And you say that you don't have feelings for her. You know so much about her. You probably know what she calls her beloved."

"Snookie-wookie-tookie?"

"Yes! That's it!"

Gimli swallows. "BY THE VALAR! I THINK I LOVE HER!"

Aragorn pats, the now, sobbing Gimli. "Don't worry. I'm probably wrong. Now do something she would hate you to do." When he sees that it didn't help, he says firmly, "Pick yourself together. Are you going to let a woman make you fall into a pathetic pile of dwarf? Are you a man or are you a mouse?"

Gimli looks up smiling and jumps to his feet and pounds himself on his chest, "I'm neither! I'm a dwarf! Or a hobbit!"

"That's the spirit!"

"Now what could I do to prove to you I don't love her? I could follow her and lie to her... No, that would take too long," Gimli ponders.

"Hmm, good question. What could you do? You could always..." Aragorn looks expectably at Gimli

"I could always..."

"... Take your knife..."

"... Take my knife..." Gimli says.

"... And cut..."

"... And cut..."

Aragorn sighs at Gimli's slow mind. "... My bonds."

"... Your bonds! What a brilliant idea I got! I'm so smart."

"Yes you are. I bow to you brilliance."

Gimli cuts Aragorn's bonds, "Now, what do you say? Do you still think that I love her?"

"No. I'm convinced that you don't have any feelings towards her."

Gollum returns, now that he has picked himself together and he freezes when he sees that Aragorn is free. "What have you done, sssstupid? Nassty Elf Lady is going to kill ussss!"

"That was my meaning!" Gimli states and smiles broadly.

"?" Gollum says.

"I don't love her!"

"Dear Gollum, you don't have to worry," Aragorn smiles, "I'm not going to follow her. Now that I think about it, you two are more fun than she is. I'm staying with you!" He sweeps Gollum and Gimli into his arms.

"Group-hug!"

* * *

"What's that smell?" Gimli complains and pinches his nose.

"It'sss the Dead Marshes. Breathe in. Can you smell the aroma?" Gollum takes a deep breath, "Ah!"

"Smells like your underwear," Aragorn mumbles.

"What did you say?" Gimli asks.

"Nothing."

"Don't try to fool me! I heard what you said!" Gimli says.

Aragorn shelters his head, waiting for the famous frying pan to hit him. Gimli walks to him and stares up at Aragorn. He wriggles his moustache, "Now, dear mate, I have only one, one question!"

Aragorn swallows nervously.

"How in the name of the Valar, do you know how my underwear smells?"

"No time to disssscusssss our lingerie. We can discuss them later. Now let'ssss get moving," Gollum orders and starts walking over the marshes.

Gimli and Aragorn stares at each other for a moment, "Lingerie?" They look at Gollum suspiciously.

"You know," Gimli whispers to Aragorn as they follow the ring-bearer, "We've never asked Gollum if he's a boy or a girl."

"Should we do that?" Aragorn wonders.

"Not now. Now, is not probably the best time. It's a sensitive question," Gimli answers Aragorn.

Gollum turns around, "Now, preciousss, we sssseems to have forgot to warn you about a few teeny-weeny thingssss. Asss a ssschooled guide of the Dead Marshesss, it's our obligation to warn every tourist of the dangers. Not very important, if you asks me, but we hasss to doesss that."

Gimli and Aragorn nods.

"What we tellses you not to do, you do not do. Undersstood?"

Gimli and Aragorn nod again, their minds unconsciously planing to do exact the things they are not allowed to do.

"Don't follow the lights. Don't take a relaxing ssswim in the water. Don't ssstray away from oursses path. Don't talk with any dead people, they are bad influence and they usess a bad language. Don't agree to have a cup of tea with any old women," Gollum tells and nods when he sees that he is understood. He turns around and says over his shoulder, "If you wantsss, we can tell of the sightsss in the Dead Marshes. Very interessssssting."

"Does it cost extra?"

"Yessss, but only..."

"No, thank you. We have a brochure here that tells us of the sights," Gimli says.

"Penny-pinching rich bastards," Gollum mumbles and continues to walk.

Aragorn looks around with curious eyes. He sees something bright flying near him. "Gimli, Gimli," he whines and pulls at Gimli's sleeve.

"Yes, my little one. What is it?" Gimli asks and takes Aragorn's hand in his. "Don't tell me you have to **go** already? We have only started the tour! Try to hold yourself."

"No, but-"

"I told you to go when we were home, so that you don't have the need to go when we are here! Why didn't you do as I told you to? It's like when I tell you to take out the garbage! You always seem to have **extremely** much to do then-"

"Gimli! I don't have to go! I want you to look at that!" Aragorn says and points at the flying light ball, only a couple of feet from them.

"Yes it's very nice, honey. Come let's go. We've got to hurry up, so that we won't be left behind."

"But Gimli look at it-"

"Yes, very pretty. Now let's go-"

"But look at it! It so beautiful!"

"Yes it is, come now," Gimli smiles and drags Aragorn after him.

Aragorn follows Gimli reluctantly. He kicks some grass and glares at Gimli's back. After awhile he looks sadly back. When he sees that the light ball has followed him he plants his feet firmly on the ground, "Look Gimli! It has followed me! Oh pretty, pretty please! Can I take it home?"

Gimli stops and releases Aragorn's hand. He watches the light intently, "Hmm..."

"Please Gimli."

"Hmm..."

"I will name it Daisy."

Gimli looks at Aragorn from the corner of his eye, after that, he stares intently at the light. "Is it house-clean?"

"Yes."

"Where will it sleep?"

"With me, of course."

"But not in your bed?"

Aragorn sighs, "No, not in my bed."

"What will it eat?"

"I'll take care of the food, don't you worry of it."

Gimli watches the light for awhile, "It's your responsibility. I won't be cleaning up after it. And I won't be taking it out for walks."

"Does that mean that I can keep it?" Aragorn asks hopefully and looks at him with puppy-eyes.

"Yes," Gimli sighs.

Aragorn lights up, "Tank you, thank you, thank you!" He hugs Gimli hastily and then turns around to face the light ball. "Come here girl."

Daisy blinks a couple of times. Aragorn smiles and opens his arms. Daisy blinks mischievously and flies away.

"Hey! Where are you going?" Aragorn shouts and runs after the light. Daisy, the ball, flies towards Gollum and then plunges into the water. Just when Aragorn is going to jump after, Gollum grabs hold on him and says:

"Ssstop, you ssstupid, cooked fish. We're over the Marshes now."

"Aragorn! What were you thinking, running off like that? You could've fallen and hurt yourself! Let me look at you," Gimli grabs hold on Aragorn's hand and studies him. "Wait, here's some dirt. Let me clean it," Gimli says and spits in a napkin and rubs the dirt away.

"Gimli," Aragorn whines embarrassed, "Stop fussing."

"Hold still and let your old Gimli do this. There, that's better."

"Now, ssshall we continue?"

"Yes, it was quite fascinating, the tour I mean," Gimli says and follows Gollum.

Aragorn looks back at the Marshes.

"Come Aragorn!"

"Coming Gimli!" Aragorn answers. He looks into the water where Daisy plunged in. "I will come back after you girl. I promise," he whispers and turns around to follow the others.

In the water Daisy sits down and readies herself for a long wait.

* * *

Click on the little button in the left corner, please...

Reviews are my inspiration!

Updates are going to come more rarely, because my school starts on Wednesday and I'm going to have longer schooldays and it's going to take one hour to get to school. Which means I'm going to sit two hours in a bus every day. But updates **are **coming.


	17. The Forest of Fangorn

Title: I don't want to be me! I want to be you! 

Summary: Gandalf wants to be hot. Pippin wants to be noticed. Legolas hates the fact that Aragorn has many names. Gollum wants friends. Let's let Gandalf and all the others try another life. Do you think Gandalf will do a good job being Legolas?

Disclaimer: I don't own anything in this story. Well, except for a couple of the Ents, and the Stone door and… This is my first fanfiction. 

Author's note: Well, what can I say. Half a year, that's a long time. I haven't forgotten my story, I've just been busy with school and such things. But I'm back! Or almost… School's not over yet, but I thought a short update wouldn't hurt. Next time I update will be, soonest, in June. So please, hold on and I'll see you soon!

* * *

Aragorn...Gollum

Boromir...Pippin

Pippin...Elrond

Merry...Gimli

Sam...Gandalf

Frodo...Boromir

Legolas...Aragorn

Gimli...Sam

Gandalf...Legolas

Gollum...Frodo

Elrond...Merry

* * *

"Wow, dudes. I think I'm becoming crazy," Gandalf says and stares at a tree.

"Oh, really?" Merry says.

"That was news to me. Not," Legolas says.

"I mean, these trees are talking," Gandalf continues.

Merry and Legolas look at each other.

"Okaaaay. Gandalf, how are you feeling? Have you hit you're head?"

"No. Wait, the trees are talking about tea!"

"Look, Margaret, there are people in here," a maple says.

"Oh, they are so cute! Especially the little one, but he has an axe. That's not very nice," Margaret, the ash, says.

The maple studies Merry's axe and exclaims, "We don't need to worry. It doesn't look like he can use it"

"You're right, Selma, as usually. Have you seen Bert's new leave-cut? It's quite ghastly, if you ask me."

"I don't think I have. I haven't seen him since I was a treeplant, but, if I remember him correctly, he was handsome, a real lady's Ent," Selma sighs.

"I sense that someone has a crush. I haven't seen him, but word spreads around."

"Oh, really," Selma huffs, offended, "Nobody has told me. Who told you? It seems like I'm a little bit outside of the circle. Was it Henna, who told you? She's probably angry at me because Jonathan winked at me, but not at her."

"Ummm… Anna told me," Margaret says embarrassed.

"Oh, really. She used to be my best friend!" Selma cries. "Anna! Listen to me! With what did Henna buy you? We used to be friends!"

Anna tries to hide behind her neighbour.

"Now calm down, Selma. Let's not be hasty. Here take some tea," Margaret comforts.

"Ah, yes. You're right. I mustn't lose my calm. Thank you, could you put a dash of milk in it? Thank you," Selma says and drinks. "Margaret, that odd man is staring at us in a not polite way."

"Sod off, weirdo! Can't you see we're having a private discussion here!" Margaret shouts.

Gandalf stumbles backwards and says nervously, "Guys, these trees are angry. There is anger in this forest. We should go. Now!"

"Look, Thilda. That elf is standing on my root. It hurts! Go away! You're hurting me!" a birch says bitterly.

Gandalf throws himself on Legolas and they fall to the ground.

"Ouch! Gandalf! May I ask what you're doing?" Legolas asks and rubs his bottom.

"You were standing on her root. She was hurting."

Legolas looks at the tree that Gandalf points at. "Merry, I think we should take Gandalf away from here. I think the forest isn't good for him." Merry and Legolas grab Gandalf and drag him away.

"Now, that they're gone, we can continue to gossip. Thihi! What did you say Timothy said about me?" Selma asks quietly.

Gandalf digs his heels in the ground and shouts, "Selma! Timothy said you're leaves are starting to fall off!"

"Gandalf! What are you saying?"

"Timothy thinks Selma's starting to get old," Gandalf says. "I can see why, her leaves are quite thinly spread, if you compare with some of the other trees. But if you gave me a few minutes, I could help her. I have a miraculous plant-nourishing-thing in my bag. Selma! I can help you! Did you hear what I said!"

"Legolas, let's get the hell out of here!" Merry says and they start to run with Gandalf in the middle.

"Selma!"

* * *

"Gandalf, I think it's time we had a talk. Come here and sit down next to me," Legolas says and sits down on a log.

Gandalf places himself cautiously next to him, "Ye-es?" he asks.

"Now look, I know you aren't… haven't been… a wood-elf… Let's say that you're not used being a wood-elf. And being surrounded by trees can be… confusing, when they all talk and make noises and such things."

Gandalf stares at Legolas hand, which happens to be on his shoulder, "Now look, Mr. Legolas, I don't know what you're up to but I can tell that I don't like it."

"Gandalf, I'm trying to comfort you. I can see that you're overwhelmed by the sound of the trees, but you must learn to only listen when you need information or if you want to hear them. It's not good for your health if you every second of the day hear interesting news of what a maple did in the other side of the forest or what you can do if your leaves are starting to look brownish."

"What was that? My, my Alexander! That's no way to talk to a lady! You apologise this instant! Can you repeat that, Louise? My friend here was talking." Gandalf laughs, "Now now, you can be quite a handful. How I keep my moss this thick and soft. I comb through it every day. But I'm must say that yours is a spectacular green colour. Is it you're real colour?"

Legolas grabs Gandalf by his shoulders and shakes him, "Gandalf," he hisses. "Do not listen to them, or you will get the tree-sickness."

"What's that?" Merry whispers.

"If you listen to the trees and listen and listen you will eventually become crazed. You will think that you're a tree. You will stand like a tree. You will wonder why your hair won't fall off in the fall and why you can't drink water with your feet. There was an Elf I knew once, he ripped his hair off every fall and cried when it grew back in the winter."

"How is he now?"

"No one knows. The last time someone saw him was when he walked into the forest, saying he is going to find his real mother. He said he is going to ask her who his father is, so he can chop him down because believes that he became a freak because he didn't get enough of father's-love when he was young. He believes it's his father's fault he didn't develop into a normal tree. Maybe he's still wandering around in the forest of Mirkwood, axe in hand, calling out to his tree-father."

Merry gasps.

"But I have heard that they have seen a tree with white bark and unnatural leaves. They say the leaves look like hair. They say it looks like the tree has a face, and they say the tree stands beside a chopped of tree and it looks like the tree is smiling," Legolas finishes, whispering.

"Oh no! We can't let that happen to Gandalf-"

Suddenly Gandalf places a hand on Merry's mouth, "Sssch. The trees just told me; We're not alone. The White Wizard approaches."

Leave a review. Come on, make my day. ;) (There's supposed to be a line between Gandalf's line: "Selma!" and Legolas line:"Gandalf, I think it's time we had a talk" and there's supposed to be equal marks between AragornGollum and so on.Ifthey're not there, I apologise. QuickEdit isn't really doing what I want it to do...)


	18. The Dudes

Title: I don't want to be me! I want to be you!

Summary: Everyone in the Fellowship isn't happy with themselves and would like to have a go being someone else. Let's let Gandalf and all the others try another life. Do you think Gandalf will do a good job being Legolas? Mix in a Stone door with a tragic past, a forgetful Balrog and soldiers on strike. The result is a Lord of The Rings Cake!

Disclaimer: I don´t own anything in this story. Well, except for a couple of the Ents, and the Stone door and… This is my first fanfiction

What's this? A new chapter already? Yes, your eyes doesn't deceive you. I was inspired by the reviews. Thank you! Just don't keep your hopes up for a new chapter in the near future. But I can comfort you by saying that school is soon over…

* * *

Aragorn...Gollum 

Boromir...Pippin

Pippin...Elrond

Merry...Gimli

Sam...Gandalf

Frodo...Boromir

Legolas...Aragorn

Gimli...Sam

Gandalf...Legolas

Gollum...Frodo

Elrond...Merry

* * *

"Daisy…" 

"Daisy…"

"Daisy…"

"Dai-"

"-sy."

"Dai-"

"-sy"

"Dai…"

"-SY!"

Aragorn watches the screaming Gollum and Gimli.

"Calm down, chaps. I can't help myself… I miss her so much." Aragorn starts to cry.

"Tsch tsch tssch," Gollum laughs.

"What's so funny? A broken heart is **not** a laughable thing!" Aragorn snuffles.

"Nothing, my precious. Nothing at all," Gollum says absent-mindedly and pats a box he carries at his belt.

"What's in that box? You've been patting it since the Dead Marshes," Gimli asks and fingers his frying pan.

"This box? Nothing my precious. Nothing at all," Gollum sniggers.

"DAISY!" Aragorn cries and falls to the ground.

Gimli takes a step backward to prevent him from being hit by Aragorn's flying fists. "I think we should stay here for the night, so that Aragorn can pull himself together."

"Ssssound delicioussss, my precioussss…"

"Very delicious…"

"DAISY!"

* * *

"Ok, pull yourself together man." Slap. "That's right." Slap. "Mustn't let the others know of your soft side." Slap. "No more t-t-t-t-tete-ears-s-s-s." Slap. "Stop it!" Slap. "Stop it!" Aragon slaps himself yet again. "Like that. Now be a man." Aragorn straightens his loincloth, which has slipped higher up his thighs. "No peeking." 

"Wasn't going to."

"Gimli! Ummm… What are you doing here?" he asks and pulls the loincloth a tinny-bit to low.

"Oh Valar. That was something I didn't want to see. But my, it's big."

"Yes it's quite a handful. It so big it sometime peeks out of my clothes," Aragorn informs embarrassed.

Gimli nods, "I can see that. How did it get so big?"

"You don't want to know."

"What did Arwen say when she saw it for the first time? Or have you shown it to her?" Gimli asks and stares at Aragorn admiringly.

"Of course I've shown it to her! It's quite a babe-magnet…"

"May I touch it?" Gimlil asks and stretches out his hand toward Aragorn.

"Sure. But can you be careful? It's sensitive-"

"Holdsssss it!" Gollum jumps out from a bush. "What aresss you talking about? Or doessss we even want to knowsss? We havesss a hunch it'sss nothing for ourssses ears…"

"Of course you can join our discussion! Come here! We've got nothing to hide. Here I can even show it to you," Aragorn pulls down his loincloth.

"Noooooo!"

"…"

"Oh my, that's, that's a long scar…"

"Yeah. Made it myself."

"Seriously?"

"Yes, I attackeda band oforcs a couple of years ago and before I knew it-"

"- one of the slashed at you?"

"Something like that, yes. They all attacked me and I've always been one of those who follow the flow, so I attacked myself. I cut my stomach and lost counsciousness. When I woke up there was a note beside me that said: Thank you for your help and for saving our time by killing yourself!"

* * *

Late in the night… 

"Mustn't think of Daisy. Must **not** think of Daisy…" Aragorn mumbles. "Ok, I've got to distract myself." He looks around and sees The Box. "I wonder what Gollum has in that box," he ponders and tiptoes closer the sleeping Gimli and Gollum.

"Just one little peek can't hurt." He lifts the lid and jumps up in the air in surprise.

"Daisy!"

"And what are you doing?"

Aragorn closes the lid and swirls around. "Gimli. I-I-I w-was just-"

"Snooping around? Stealing?"

"No. I-I-"

"What'ssss all this noise? We're trying to sleep, my preciousss. Ssssleep, yes, ssssleep," Gollum yawns and eyes his companions suspiciously.

"Gollum, he tried to steal the ring! I saw it with my own two eyes!" Gimli glares at Aragorn and grabs the feared frying pan.

"No! Not the frying pan!" Aragorn exclaims and throws his arms over his head.

Gollum takes hold on Gimli's arm, "You are not to harmsss him," he warns and glares at Gimli. "We has been in hissss position. We knowssss what he'sss after, don't we preciousss?" Gollum smiles wickedly at Aragorn.

"Daisy…" Aragorn mumbles.

"And it isn't the precioussss…"

"Daisy…"

Gimli lowers the frying pan, "Well, if you're sure he won't be taking the ring, I suppose he can stay…"

"We're sssure. Now: Ssssleep," Gollum falls asleep.

"Daisy…" Aragorn mumbles.

"I don't trust you. You haven't been anything else but bother the whole time. I'll be watching you…" Gimli falls asleep.

"He has Daisy. He has kidnapped her. Don't fear, Daisy, I'll free you…"

* * *

"I'm so hungry! Can't we stop to eat?" Gimli asks. 

"Yessss, we can. There'sss a stream. We can catch fissssssh. Yumm…"

"Aragorn, go and fish," Gimli says and sits down, readying for a long time of sunbathing.

"Yes, master Gimli. Whatever you say, master Gimli. My pleasure, master Gimli," Aragorn growls.

Gimli smiles, "Sounds good. Say it again."

"Master Gimli."

"Uhuhuhuh… Say it again."

"Master Gimli."

"Uhuhuhuh… Say it again."

"Master Gimli, master Gimli, master Gimli, master Gimli, master Gimli, master Gimli…"

"Uhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuh…"

Fart.

"…"

"Good, got yoursesss attention. Go and fisssh," Gollum says, pleased.

"Yes, sir."

* * *

"Here you have. Two fish. We can make fish-soup!" Aragorn says contentedly and massages his belly. 

"Fish-soup? No, that ssssounds terrible! Let ussss do the cooking, precious. Yesssss, we'll do it all nice and fresh…" Gollum twists his hands in delight.

"I don't want to eat fresh fish. I want fish-soup!" Gimli demands.

"Fresh!"

"Soup!"

"Fresh!"

"Soup!"

"Fresh!"

"Soup!"

"Fresh!"

"Soooooooooooouuuuuuuup!"

Aragorn pats his companions on their shoulders, "There, there. Are we feeling better after letting all the tension out? Gooooooood. What if we split the fish? We'll make soup of one of the fish and the other we can eat raw. What do you say?"

Gimli and Gollum eye Aragorn angrily.

* * *

"Me and my stupid ideas. I thought it sounded good. They are being unreasonable. But if they want two fish each, I guess I have to catch two fish to them each; to preserve the peace. I hate when they argue. It feels like it's my fault. It's always the Gollum, which suffers… There, two fish caught. Wait. Maybe I should catch two to myself… I need something to eat and I suspect those two selfish bastards won't let me taste their food. Luckily I'm smart. I wonder where I'd be if wouldn't be smart. Good me. I deserve a pat on the back." Pat. "Ah, I feel much better."

* * *

"Where's Aragorn? I'm hung-" 

"You're whatssss? You're hung? Who hasssss hung – you… We seesss…" Gollum says. "Hello nice men! Uh, you ssssmellsss nice," he smiles.

* * *

"What have they got themselves into this time? Who are those men? Aragorn asks behind a bush as he watches the scene before him.

* * *

"Halt! Who are you and what is your purpose here?" the man asks, standing in front of Gimli and Gollum. 

"Let ussss go, you ssslimy-"

"I beg you pardon, my friend here is sick. Very sick," Gimli tells while covering Gollum's mouth with his hand. "Very, very sick. Aren't you Goll-Golle?"

"Golle?"

"Yes, don't you remember? Your name is Golle and mine is Gi-Giglin."

Gollum slaps his forehead, "Oh, yessss! No we remembersss! Excuse ussss, Mystery Men, we hasss such a bad memory and we areses crazy. Crrraaaaazy, ugu bugu!"

The man looks insecurely at his men, who are aiming at the two friends with their bows. "Master Giglin and Golle, I ask you again: what are you doing here?"

Gimli grabs a hold on the man's green and brown coat and draws him down to his height, "I'm taking him to a** special** doctor. But please don't tell him. He's a bit sensitive, as you can see."

The man looks at Gollum, who is temporarily sitting on one of the men's shoulder playing "This little piggy went to" withthe man'sfingers.

The man keeps his gaze at Gollum, "Yes, I can see. My men and me will be happy to help you. These are dangerous times and we can take you to our secret, hiding place, where you can rest. Then we can escort you a bit of your way. If you don't mind?"

"Well, actually, we don't-"

"Great Master Giglin! My name is Faramir and these are my stout men," Faramir shakes Gimli's hand. "Men, you can lower your weapons! We are to take them to our place and then we are to escort them a bit on their way!"

"But, but-"

"You're very welcome Master Giglin! No need to thank us. We're happy to help," Faramir says happily. He then takes out two strips of cloth from his pocket and hands one of them over to one of his men, "Arthur, you take this. I'm sorry Master Giglin, but our secret hiding place is, well, secret. So we have to bind you're eyes, so you won't see where it's situated."

"Oh no…"

"Don't you worry, we'll take good care of you. Come men, let's hit the road."

"Me eyes, me eyes! We can't ssssee anything! Can we hold nice man'ssss hand? We are afraid of the dark, afraid we are my precioussss."

* * *

"Oh no, they have her. They have my Daisy. I have to help her! Don't you worry, honey! Dad's here to help youuuuuu-" Aragorn slips on one of the rocks. "That hurt. I think I'm going to pass out." He passes out.

* * *

The man walking beside Gimli says, "Now that we're introduced-" 

"We're not introduced."

"Yes of course! I'm Freddy and the one walking on your other side-"

"Hello there!"

"- is Jonathan. Behind you is-"

"Tudelu!"

"- Thomas."

"Nice to meet you Misters."

"No need to be that formal. My friends and I are wondering if you like ale?"

Gimli snaps his head in Freddy's direction, "Like? Like? Ale? I **love **ale!" He hears the men sigh in relief.

"Great, dude! You're one of us then! We're happy to welcome you to our gang. It's called: The Dudes."

"The Dudes… I like the sound of it. Can Golle also join?"

"I'll go ask him The Question," Thomas says and stops walking, waiting for Gollum and his guards to catch up. "How's it hanging Greg?"

"Hanging? I wish you and your friends would stop with that ridiculous gang. But now that we're talking about hanging, the only thing that's hanging is this Golle. I wish he would let my neck be alone."

"When will you understand the true meaningof "hanging"?" Thomas shakes his head. Thomas walks quietly beside Greg, while Gollum is playing Tarzan.

"Oaoaoaoaoaoaoaoaoa!"

"Tell me, how much would you pay to get rid of him?" Thomas asks Greg.

"Pay?" Greg says pushing Gollum's head away from his ear (Oaoaoaoaoaoaoa! I Golle, you precious).

"What do you say if you forget about my debt and I take Golle?"

"Not a chance. You own me two months of salaries."

"I Golle, you precious. Give ussss a kissss, love," Gollum sings to Greg, "Yummy, yourses ear looks like a fisssssh."

"Take him, his yours!" Greg shoves Gollum over to Thomas in an impressing speed.

"Thank you," Thomas says and hurries over to The Dudes. "Now, Golle. Do you like ale?" Thomas asks, while the others are waiting impatiently.

"Doessss it contain fisssssh? I like fissssssh."

"That means yes," Gimli says.

"Ok, welcome to The Dudes, Golle!"

"Is that a fissssh?"

* * *

If you give me a review, I'll give you milk or coffee and a slice of my famous caramel-chokolate cake... 


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